tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71539681378963516082024-03-13T08:21:01.398-07:00Melinda's BlogMelindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.comBlogger190125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-69110143078592333162011-05-12T07:48:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:36:03.499-07:005-12-11I do not have cancer anymore.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-34513808857603391092011-05-10T04:55:00.000-07:002011-05-10T05:15:54.919-07:005-10-11I had a PET scan Friday and today will get the results. <br /><br />If I have more cancer, then I will do all that shit again.<br /><br />If I don't have more cancer, I have reconstruction surgery scheduled for July 15th. So I will do different shit! It is a real pain in the back (literally) surgery, no easy boob job for me. They rip the muscle from your back, whip it around front and make a boob hammock out of it. Then, they do the expander and fill you up week after week to stretch you out for the implant.<br /><br />I feel very wrong for putting myself and my family through that. I feel like I will need to get that straight in my head prior to surgery. I don't want to go under the knife already feeling regret and guilt. <br /><br />Do I deserve boobs? I will take time off from work, stress out my kids, need help from family just to get a new boob (and to perk up the old one to match). Do we have a right to boobs??? <br /><br />Am I just trying to psyche myself out?Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-10960395465988202522011-04-28T07:49:00.000-07:002011-04-28T08:09:12.476-07:004-28-11I am doing such a bad job of blogging, I think I am trying to get away from the cancer crap. <br /><br />The other day, Big Onc's office called to schedule a PET scan. My blood all fell to my feet as I stood there. I realized that everyone seems to think this should all be put behind me, I even try to live like it is all in the past. But...that call meant that it is still very much a thing of the present.<br /><br />On the health front, I feel pretty shitty. I have had a headache since the first of the year. They have done a CT scan and it showed a sinus thing on one side (the side that hurts). I thought this was great news and that it would be a quick fix. Well, it didn't get fixed with the sinus stuff the NP gave me, so we are trying a new med just targeting the headache and not the sinus.<br /><br />My eyeball pressure is responding well to the drops, so it is not the cause of the headaches either. <br /><br />Oh, but I did come out of "chemo-pause". My period started again after 15 months. I am hoping that this will jump start something in my system, make something , anything, feel different.<br /><br />I am trying, really, to live my life like this was all just a bump in the road. It all just seems a little like getting a new paint job for a car destined for the demolition derby.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-11026113154659393192011-03-29T06:06:00.000-07:002011-07-15T07:27:08.723-07:003-29-11Tonight, there is a specialist coming to Gilda's Club to talk to the parents and answer any questions we may have. I was contemplating my possible questions and just started weeping.<br /><br />How do I know how fucked up the kids are from the cancer? They seem OK, but I am sure it altered their trajectory somehow, even a slight bit.<br /><br />My sister and I have been estranged since right before my diagnosis. She was having a midlife crisis thing, affair, divorce, blah blah, I just didn't have a lot of sympathy for her. If that makes me a bitch, then OK, I am a bitch. Then, I was diagnosed and it changed nothing, we remained estranged. <br /><br />The thing that has always chapped my ass about that year was that she NEVER checked on my children. She could have taken them out for a pizza, had them hang out with her kids for the day, she could have lifted a finger to give them a break from their constant reality. To put it in perspective, my kids are homeschooled, they are with me 24 hours a day, Monday - Friday (they spend weekends with their Dad). Anyway, the kids dealt with living in my cancer crap all damn day. They could have used a break. They could have used an Aunt to get them out of the house every once in a while. (Other Aunt did help me with chemo crud and did help the kids with things they needed).<br /><br />All the shit with sister doesn't matter anymore. We don't talk, we don't ...anything. I don't care about the specifics of her affair, divorce etc. She was a shitty Aunt to my kids. <br /><br />Glad I got that out, now on to my day.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-67809718574172445872011-03-16T05:14:00.000-07:002011-03-16T05:17:26.710-07:003-16-11Best outcome possible, there is something wrong but it is not cancer. There is something amiss in one of those sinus cavities in my head, just on the right side. That makes sense that it is one sided since I have been so unsteady and out of balance. <br /><br />So, I have new meds and won't even need the "Total Recall" ping pong ball plucker!Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-11307878032498102482011-03-15T06:35:00.000-07:002011-03-15T06:45:48.290-07:003-15-11I went to general doc yesterday with my weird head complaints. <br /><br />I am having a CT scan of my brain this morning.<br /><br />I have learned that it does no good to tell anyone as:<br />1. There is no point in worrying anyone needlessly, wait till we find out.<br />2. I don't like hearing, "It is probably nothing, don't worry", blah blah blah<br /><br />I did tell significant other type guy, I guess that makes him pretty significant, how about that.<br /><br />So, let's cross our fingers for some big old sinus fatty tumor thing that is causing the eyeball, balance and brain issues. And, it would be cool if they could pull it out through my nose like Arnold Schwartz-y-whatever pulled that tracking device out of his nose in "Total Recall".<br /><br /><a href="http://www.questionsleep.com/mindspill/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/total_recall_01.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 501px; height: 271px;" src="http://www.questionsleep.com/mindspill/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/total_recall_01.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-68772335160689272792011-03-11T05:55:00.000-08:002011-03-11T06:06:25.515-08:0003-11-11They say when you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras.<br /><br />I have been wondering when cancer is the zebra, not the horse. Right now, when something happens, I assume cancer, it is my horse. But at some point, cancer should become the zebra-right?<br /><br />My head is still wonky. I have headaches pretty much all the time, not really painful headaches, just annoying discomfort in my head. I am still a little clumsy sometimes. I have cognition symptoms that are an issue. What are the chances I finish cancer only to develop early onset Alzheimers?<br /><br />So, I have stopped trying to figure out the probability of zebras vs horses and just focused on the prescence of hooves. Something is amiss. It has gotten to the point that I am not concerned with feeling like a hypochondriac. I need my head to feel better.<br /><br />I called the Onc, the nurse said let the general doctor take a looksie. I made an appointment for Monday. That seemed responsible. I had been thinking tumor vs crazy. I came to realize there are a whole slew of other things that could be going on in there. It could still be the eyeball thing. <br /><br />But I would like to stop hurting. I will go deal with the hooves. I will worry about species later.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-83874208070638885892011-02-22T09:12:00.000-08:002011-02-22T09:27:04.283-08:002-22-11I went to the eye doctor guy to get an new scrip for glasses as mine were about eight years old. He said my pressure in one eye was alarmingly high and suggested I see an opthalmologist to check for glaucoma. I immediately assume brain tumor as how unlucky could I be to have cancer and glaucoma.<br /><br />I followed up with the opthalmologist and was diagnosed with ocular hypertension, the precursor to glaucoma. Thankfully, there has not been damage to my optic nerve and they have started me on glaucoma meds to prevent further problems. Unfortunately, it is not the fun smoke-able glaucoma meds they joke about on TV.<br /><br />On the positive side, I am going to assume that the eyeball thing is what has caused my weird head feeling that I have had for the past 6 weeks or so. I put in my new glaucoma drops last night assuming that I would wake up without a headache. It kind of worked, I am not as fuzzy feeling. Maybe the meds, maybe the power of suggestion...<br /><br />I am also wondering if I am allowing myself to feel like crap to ward of the big bad shit. When I was diagnosed, I had finally started giving a damn, losing weight, working out, thinking about some long term plans. Then, the big C hit. This winter, it seems that I tried to start feeling a little positive, getting back into the grove and ended up in the hospital.<br /><br />Maybe, I am subconsciously staying blah since that seems to keep me under the radar and away from the shitty stuff. Stay miserable and you won't notice when the shit hits the fan...yeah, that is great logic.<br /><br />I still haven't made an appointment with the therapist!Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-14047451863091995462011-02-16T06:42:00.000-08:002011-02-16T06:56:18.704-08:002-16-11Yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I did not have a headache. I had become pretty sure that I had a brain tumor, but since I had no headache yesterday, that means no tumor. (At least in my mind, and reality is fluid depending on the facts at hand. )<br /><br />That news reporter...Serene <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Branson</span> that had some sort of episode during the Grammy Awards???? That is my fear, that brain short circuit when I am supposed to be accountable. I am usually with a child or a patient, there is not many opportunities for a "<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">convenient</span>" brain thing. They have not said what happened to Ms <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Branson</span>, all very anti-climactic.<br /><br />I took the kids to a cancer support for kids thing last night. They were not thrilled. After hearing the other kids share their families cancer cliff notes, my children said that my cancer was not very dramatic. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Hmmm</span>, do they forget so soon, did I shield them well or was it just a very boring cancer tour of duty?Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-90045054276176847462011-02-10T07:53:00.000-08:002011-02-10T08:13:35.047-08:002-10-11I had my last IV <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Herceptin</span> treatment yesterday. I don't think I did it right, I was supposed to be all happy and jolly that it was my last infusion. Instead, I felt like I imagine the inmate does after DNA clears him and he is released with a "Sorry, we screwed up, go live a life".<br /><br />So I spent all this time and energy fighting to live and now I need to go out and....live.<br /><br />I think my problem may be in what I assume <em>they</em> mean by <em>live. </em>I think I assume <em>they</em> mean that I am supposed to be like the women in tampon commercials, all dancing on the beach, running in the forest, rolling around on white sheets.<br /><br />Tampon commercial moments....those are what I am missing from my life.<br /><br />I have even considered the "fake it till you make it" theory of life. But, what if all these people out there are also faking it, trying to look like the tampon commercials.<br /><br />So now I am crocheting doilies. I don't need doilies. They just keep me busy. While I wait.<br /><br />I feel a break through coming on.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-61059136244722648252011-01-12T05:56:00.000-08:002011-01-12T06:05:27.490-08:001-12-11Recovering from the pneumonia has been much harder than I anticipated. My old crunchy lung cilia just ain't what it used to be. I was unable to work this weekend, so that is two weeks without pay....what a great way to start the year. <br /><br />I did make a trip to the grocery store this weekend to stock up for the winter storms. It was exhausting just walking around with the extra weight of the coat I was wearing. Really, really surprising to me how easily fatigued I am. I am doing my little lung <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">exercisey</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">thingee</span>...my capacity is almost normal.<br /><br />The kids were being....kids yesterday and I could not walk and yell at them at the same time. So you have to be good or be still, you can't be bad on the move!<br /><br />I crocheted a new afghan in 5 days, that is a new record. You can get a lot of crocheting done when you just have to sit still and breathe.<br /><br />Frustrated and gloomy....but I will feel better.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-60406794985200944552011-01-05T09:02:00.000-08:002011-01-05T09:12:46.757-08:001-5-11After a few weeks of my breathing getting better, then worse, then better again, I ended up in the hospital for four days with pneumonia. I wasn't expecting that at all! I am home but still pretty ill, on house arrest and just sitting and breathing.<br /><br />I think I am still a tad depressed, I was scared but a little OK with dying. There is just an odd <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">OKness</span> with my mortality that I didn't have before. Dying would suck, but I guess my ducks are in a row better now and I have had some time to digest it. I am not planning on dying, but the idea doesn't piss me off like it used to.<br /><br />I am sure I need therapy for that.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-90754955243972668562010-12-28T08:58:00.000-08:002010-12-28T09:19:59.086-08:0012-28-10I think I am having an odd freak out thing going. So I will write it here and not worry my family with it.<br /><br />I don't feel well, my breathing is getting better but I am doing the breathing treatments often and I don't want that to be the way it is for the rest of my life. I don't know if crunchy lung cilia will refresh....<br /><br />This morning, my left eyeball went weird, I can't diagnose that, I am eyeball illiterate. The left side of my left eye was very bright and flashing. Not those floaters, but weird bright light. Since a brain tumor is my big fear, that freaked me out.<br /><br />I am exhausted, I feel off and I don't think there can be anything wrong since I am pretty recently scanned. Except the brain, which they don't look at.<br /><br />But here is the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">sucky</span> part.... I just had this feeling that I could be OK with being done. I did the shit year....trudged through the treatment, did the single mom cancer bit. It sucked, we made it. The kids have nice bedrooms, they had a good Christmas. I think I have managed to get all my crap into one room so if I kick off, they can just load up a truck and empty this one room of my oddities.<br /><br />I met a great guy, had some nice <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">lovin</span>'. I have bonded with my Mom and my older sister. I am still estranged from my younger sister and see no hope of that changing. My ex-husband and I seem cool, although we don't talk often (but that works). The kids are getting closer to their Dad and that is wonderful.<br /><br />I don't know if I am depressed, scared or what. I don't feel depressed, just tired, physically and mentally.<br /><br />I guess I need a therapy tune up. I haven't seen the shrink in a while. That would be a productive thing to do.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-35920763508936523932010-12-22T07:01:00.000-08:002010-12-22T07:11:01.701-08:0012-22-10Things are starting to feel "normal". They talk about the "new normal" you have after cancer, or any big life changing event, I suppose. After my divorce, it took awhile to get my bearings. This experience is very similar feeling.<br /><br />We are not doing much in the way of Christmas. You can't even tell it is 3 days before the holiday if you look in my house. No tree, no cookies, no stockings...nada. Last year, I did it up big, I was in the "I have cancer and this might be my last Christmas" mode. This year, we are redecorating. My children have shared a bedroom all of their lives. Their Christmas present in their getting their own rooms! I am moving my bedroom down to the den and giving them the two bedrooms. <br /><br />My house looks like a disaster area as we are moving furniture, painting, refinishing furniture. And I am experiencing personal growth as I let the kids help me paint and am not worried about drips on the base boards! <br /><br />I am having a lot of trouble breathing. It could be my radiated lung issue aggravated by the dust and paint fumes we are all breathing. That is a little depressing, breathing is so nice. But, I am not freaking out about possible lung tumors and shit. <br /><br />Growth.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-72409434024348348472010-12-08T05:17:00.001-08:002010-12-08T05:32:55.507-08:0012-8-10I didn't realize how long it had been since I updated. The scan was pretty good, all glowing spots are attributed to radiation. Still not a "No Evidence of Disease" result, but I'll take it. Rad Onc freaked me out a little, he is such a Debbie Downer. He felt that the scan results were a more cancer-ish and less radioactivity-ish. BUT....he called me a few days later, said he reviewed the films and agreed with Big Onc that it was probably radiation that was lighting up.<br /><br />That was shocking to me, the doc actually called me out of the blue to tell me things weren't as dismal as he had thought. <br /><br />I had a Mammogram on my one boob yesterday, all clear. That was also refreshing. Except, the tech didn't know I only had one boob so there was that awkward moment as she pulled back the gown. You would think that would have been on the chart somewhere....but....shit like that doesn't hardly phase me anymore.<br /><br />I also had a stitch come out of Clyde a few weeks ago, that was huge news. Clyde is now healing back up, there is no area of fried flesh that will become a huge necrotic wound. How in the hell surgeon missed that stitch, who knows. But....shit like that hardly phases me anymore.<br /><br />So, the stay of execution has been extended. There is no reason to believe that there is anymore cancer in there. It isn't all rainbows and unicorns, this shit can turn on a dime. But...for now, it is good.<br /><br />RIP Elizabeth Edwards. <br /><br />I could bitch about the phrases "loses her battle", "succumbed to disease" etc. But I am not wasting energy on it. I guess the only phrase that would work is "She stopped living with cancer". She escaped. Godspeed.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-25472222624715146712010-11-11T08:21:00.000-08:002010-11-11T08:30:59.059-08:0011-11-10My scan is scheduled for next Monday, the 15th. I will see Onc on the 18th for the results and for my IV treatment. I feel much better now, just getting that decision made. I have no idea what the big deal was, why did they even ask me if I wanted to scan? Why not just go ahead and do it like we had planned on in June? That would have saved me all this mental hamster wheel churning.<br /><br />The fear is what is the worst. Treatments, surgery, side effects, all that sucks but is completely do-able. It is the fear that sucks the worst. And it is no as much fear for myself and what my future holds; it is more about what the kids are going to have to deal with. This has to be changing who they are.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-34305014272326318102010-11-08T11:22:00.000-08:002010-11-08T11:30:32.683-08:0011-8-10I did call Onc's office and I spoke to the research nurse. She says that the increase in SUV could be a number of things, but that we biopsied Clyde and it was negative. Big Onc had already put in an order for a scan, though. So I will scan and see what we have. <br /><br />This made me feel OK for about five minutes. Then, I realized that Clyde showed up at least a month AFTER the scan, after I started radiation. So are they saying that this blob was under the surface and once we radiated it, it came up to the outer layer and has plagued me since?? <br /><br />BUT... I just keep telling myself that my cancer registered at a 13.8 SUV, this mystery shit has gone from 3.0 to 4.8. So whatever it is, it is less potent than what I HAD. <br /><br />BUT....I had an increase a month before I had the Clyde symptom. Maybe I am scared that no eyebrows were raised.<br /><br />BUT...they knew I would be radiating the area, so maybe they didn't need to be concerned, stray shit would be radiated.<br /><br />You see how this just goes around and around??Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-58933908448016291862010-11-08T06:13:00.000-08:002010-11-08T06:29:22.113-08:0011-8-10Turns out is not not easy to just "not worry". I saw the scan results, I can't un-see them. I don't think I will make it two more weeks before asking Big Onc. My appt with him is the 18th. Do I call and give him a heads up about my concern, see if he will discuss it over the phone??<br /><br />A little scab thing formed over Clyde, I think it just got poked too much the week I saw Onc and Plastic Surgeon. The scab feel off this morning and now there is a slight opening that is a tad weepy. Just the slightest bit, I wouldn't normally think twice about it. But....since this is in the radiated, crispy, pork rind section of my body, I have visions of it growing into a large necrotic wound. <br /><br />And.... I was having "adult relations" this weekend. I was on top and his hands reached for my breasts. There was that split second of hesitation as he decided where to put the second hand. I doubt he realized it, but I did. I won't mention it, I do believe that men don't like having to spend time reassuring women. the lack of a breast is probably less of an issue than my potential insecurity about it. <br /><br />I did ask him about his opinion on reconstruction after I saw Plastics guy. I said he was in an interesting position of being able to have input on creating his dream boobs. He seemed indifferent...could that be? Is no boob preferable to a Franken-boob? <br /><br />Questionable scans, weepy pork rind sores, Franken-boobs....oh yea, no worries.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-5281660447861709452010-11-05T07:28:00.000-07:002010-11-05T07:30:17.526-07:0011-5-10I just reviewed my calendar. So far this year, I have had 85 doctor's appointments.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-76232973811775489752010-11-04T20:23:00.000-07:002010-11-04T20:26:14.288-07:0011-4-10The PET scan stuff has me a little bummed. But, the positive is that my June number was 4.8, my number last year was 13.8....so that was in the right direction.<br /><br />I keep saying I am going to just chill out and not worry about it until I see Big Onc on the 18th. That might be asking a little much of myself. Maybe I will give him a call and see if he will give me a little more info. <br /><br />Cancer Sucks.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-78263890561893842432010-11-03T06:46:00.000-07:002010-11-03T06:57:11.753-07:0011-3-10I have received and reviewed the PET scan results with my completely untrained eyes. The last scan was on 6/2/10 which they compared to the one on 1/29/10. Keep in mind my surgery was 10/2/09. The last scan was post all chemo, but prior to radiation. Listed in the Opinion section, it reads: " Interval increase in level of hypermetabolic activity in the medial aspect of the right pectoralis major muscle in the parasternal area <strong>compared to the prior exam This is suspicious for site of residual/recurrent carcinoma</strong>".<br /><br />In the text of his finding, he states that that the S.U.V is now 4.8 as compared to 3.0 on the prior scan. I don't know what as S.U.V is (in radiology terms), but this sounds like more of whatever it is, to me. <br /><br />To me, it seems completely unreasonable that I would have more "surgical changes" 8 months after surgery than I did three months after surgery. <br /><br />I am thinking I should scan and see what radiation did, <strong>unless</strong> the radiation is going to give a false result.<br /><br />But at least now, I can have an informed conversation with the Big Onc. <br /><br />Ha Ha, spell check loved this post!Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-39561010712369075592010-11-01T19:12:00.000-07:002010-11-01T19:28:12.938-07:0011-1-10I have just been blah today, maybe coming off a chocolate high from the kids' Halloween haul. I received an email about a little "class", lecture, meeting thingee at the YMCA Breast Cancer group about depression after cancer. Since I had just woken up from an odd nap, I thought, "Maybe I am depressed, I should go to this meeting."<br /><br />The speaker gave a nice talk called "Pink Mourning", (gag gag). His take on things didn't bother me, I came away with some little nuggets that may come in handy. But man, I hate this freaking pink shit! The leader of the group in very pink, perky AND pink. She is very Rah Rah, let's all beat cancer and be all perky and happy. The lady in front of me was bummed since she is getting ready to start another round of chemo, she is in permenant treatment mode, I assume she has mets. <br /><br />Sometimes, there is not a need for the pink pom-poms. Sometimes a hug and a "that really sucks" is more helpful. <br /><br />I think I keep trying to embrace the pink since it bothers me so much, I figure there must be some issue I need to resolve. I am not a sorority kinda gal, I just never had female friends, maybe I should find a testicular cancer group.<br /><br />But I will keep knocking on those pink doors, there has to be a group of grumpy ladies out there that I will fit in with.<br /><br />Oh, I called PET scan place, they won't send me the scan reports. You would think that since I signed the release, I should be able to get them released to me....assholes. But, I called Onc's and they will send me reports so I can compare and contrast before next IV. <br /><br />So that is my plan, look at scans reports, see what weirdness they are following and whether it sounds like they all think they are surgical changes (like did they show up immediately after surgery or did the weirdness show up on a later scan). I don't claim to know more than any doctor, but Onc didn't recall the location of the weirdness and whether it was in the same spot as Clyde. So he can review, I will review and we can make a plan.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-40496546181028179722010-11-01T05:53:00.000-07:002010-11-01T06:18:51.632-07:0011-1-10Pinktober is OVER!!! Yeah!<br /><br />I am contemplating two issues: whether to have the PET scan and whether to do the reconstruction. So I will lay my thoughts out here and see if I can get a clear picture.<br /><br />Re: PET scan<br /><br />I have not been declared cancer free but I am in a good mental space with that. If I were finally declared cancer free, would I stop worrying...probably not. If I were declared stable or no change in the chest spot, would that change anything...I may feel frustrated that I don't have a clear answer. If something new lights up...well that would suck. <br /><br />I guess the sticking point is that damn area in the chest. I swear the doc said that it was consitant with surgical changes but it seems odd that it showed up well after the surgery. I had scans in between surgery and the weird spot that no weirdness showed up. <br /><br />If it has always been there, I could assume surgical changes but it wasn't mentioned at my prechemo scan.<br /><br />I guess the prudent thing to do would be get the report on all my scans and pretend like I know what I am reading to see what they have said. Ha ha, or I could trust the Big Onc and is judgement. I have no symptoms, I could just let this good mental space continue.<br /><br />It is all a mental game anyway. My reality is good right now, why muck that up with the facts.<br /><br />Re: recon<br /><br />Again, I am in a good space, why mess it up. I could live like this forever. I am scared that I would get really bad results and regret the loss of muscle. If it came out cosmetically bad, I could always have it cut back off. BUT, I do not think they could reconnect the muscle. The plastic surgeon said that he would lift droopy boob and make new boob to match. Gravity would still affect old boob and over time it would start drooping again and I would want it relifted. And, since I am so young, at some point I would need the implant switched out. (It is nice that I may have a longer shelf life than the implant, outlive the implant could be my new goal.)<br /><br />But, I can stop mentally masturbating about the recon if I want to, I can't have it done until after the first of the year due to the radiation. After the first, I could see what my finances are like, see if I can afford to take time off work. <br /><br />I also don't have to do anything about the scan, ignorance can be bliss.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-4568688174978259762010-10-29T06:19:00.000-07:002010-10-29T06:44:28.917-07:0010-29-10I had my Herceptin IV yesterday. My blood work looks great, normal people normal instead of cancer people normal. Big Onc asked me about a PET scan, did I want one or not. Honestly, I had mentally planned on being scanned in November and I told him that. I am still hoping that I can be offically declared cancer free one day.<br /><br />He OK'd the scan and laid out the possible results.<br />1. The chest area lights up more or the same: he will blame this on radiation and not cancer growth.<br /><br />2. Nothing lights up and that will be great.<br /><br />3. He didn't say it, but there is the possibility that something new would light up and that would be bad.<br /><br />So, it seems that he is not willing to entertain that anything bad could be happening in there. <br /><br />I could put off the scan for a little while, just ride this mental train for a bit. The train that says I am OK and able to make plans and do things like normal people. If I can believe that without a scan, that is good. A scan may prove that...but a scan could also leave the black cloud over me. <br /><br />It is all a mind game.<br /><br />Then, I went to the new plastic surgeon for a consult. He said the same thing as the first one. There is no way I can just have an implant stuck in there, my radiated, crunchy issue just won't support it. They have to bring in a fresh blood supply from somewhere. This guy does the Lat flap from the back. <br /><br />I liked the Doc, he spent 45 minutes talking to me during the exam, answered all my questions. He had an odd take on the cancer thing. I was saying that I was waiting for a clean scan, make sure I wasn't going to die soon before thinking about a new boob. He said, "Oh, you will get a clean scan, no doubt. You just don't know how long it will stay that way." Hmmm, gotta love that brutal honesty.<br /><br />So, now I feel confident that ripping a muscle off my back to make a boob is my only option. Doc says unless I am a golfer or swimmer, I won't notice a functional deficit. <br /><br />Decisions, decisions.... I hope I can talk to someone who has had this done, I just have a hard time believing that you don't miss that big ole muscle.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153968137896351608.post-50122765588407412522010-10-27T07:34:00.000-07:002010-10-27T07:47:42.847-07:0010-27-10I have had a lung crud that lasted too long, so last week I saw the nurse practioner. I also was worried about the weird neck thing. It turns out that my cilia isn't perky anymore (hey, how perky should 42 year old cilia be!). The radiation has caused the hairs in my lungs to be a little crunchy and not able to move lung funk as well as they used to. So, I came home with an arsenol of lung medication and my breathing has improved. I don't know if my cilia regenerates or if it will always be crunchy, but it is just another thing on the list of crappy cancer related shit.<br /><br />My neck thing is just muscular, probably from the new bite splint I am trying to help me stop grinding my teeth. But the NP was very cool and understanding of my cancer paranoia and said I could come by anytime I have a new lump or bump. That felt nice, to know that it is OK to be paranoid and that she understands. <br /><br />Tomorrow I will see a plastic surgeon. I hope he has a better idea than ripping muscles off my back to make a boob out of. I could be lopsided forever, I can just stay like I am . But, if there are good options, I would like to know them.<br /><br />I will confess, I have guilt thinking about reconstructive surgery. I feel guilt for putting my family through another surgery just for cosmetic reasons. I would have to miss some work, would need a ride to and from the hospital, the kids would have to carry groceries for a little bit. I realize that is not too much to ask of my family, but I am asking for help just so I can get a boob.<br /><br />Maybe I am just trying to talk myself out of it so I won't be disappointed if it can't happen.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06683473510243931649noreply@blogger.com0