10-9-10

Nothing new in the cancer department, I'll get another PET scan in November. I did tell the doc-ish people about my fears of brain mets, not that I have them now, but that I will develop them. A young lady in my community was declared cancer free and six months later was having brain surgery for mets. That scares the hell out of me.

I was answering a "cancer questionaire", those things always make me feel like I am flunking cancer class. Some of the questions were about what changes I have made in my life, what lessons I have learned... I haven't learned much except a whole bunch about cancer. I keep thinking there should be some great lesson and many of the questionaires implies there should be a great lesson. But I am not oozing inner peace, no epiphany, no near death appreciation for life.

I was thinking about the latin prefix 'meta' as in metamorphosis and metastisis. To change forms or to change from stable, I think there is a cool train of thought there.

I'll update if this train of thought gives me the great life changing epiphany. But if I have the big epiphany, I may get a letter in the mail saying that I cannot share it with regular people, it is reserved for cancer peeps. I think that is what those cancer questions are about, people want the big secret and they don't want to have to go bald to get it.

There is no big secret, just baldness.

10-7-10

I woke up thinking about the boob vs teeth thing.

There is no great philosophical meaning, I realized. I have insurance that will cover a boob, but I don't have insurance that will fix my teeth. I can't justify sinking money into my mouth when both the kiddos need braces.

I get my IV treatment today, I will ask Onc about when I get my next scan. I am enjoying my stay of execution. I get nervous when I hear about people who recur shortly after finishing treatment.

But, I think cancer is kinda like that car in the blind spot. When I am about to change lanes, it always scares the shit out of me when I realize a car was in my blind spot. I have learned always to check, don't trust the review mirror. Something as big as a car was right there but I didn't know it. My brain assumed I was clear to change lanes, but it wasn't.

It all feeds back to my wonder at how fluid 'reality' is.

My sister-in-law is having surgery next week, may have uterine cancer, they need to get in there and check out this tumor she has. We have talked about the fear, the fear is worse than the treatment. This week, she can believe it is not cancer. Next week, she may not have that option (at least not without illegal drugs). The tumor will not have changed, just her reality.

Maybe that is what all this pink shit is about in October, bathe our fears in pink and it will all be OK.

10-6-10

This is such an odd ride I am on.

I found another plastic surgeon in my state that takes my insurance, that brings the available doctor count up to ...two. So I made an appointment with this guy to check out my options.

First guy didn't give me the warm fuzzies. First, when he saw my scar he groaned and kind of rolled his eyes and griped about surgeons who were just worried about cutting cancer out. Second, his best bet is to take muscle from my back to make a boob. I need muscle more than I need boob.

Maybe this second guy will have more balls, maybe he will be willing to try an implant on my radiated chest.

The point in here was, making a plastic surgery appointment sounds like a hopeful, positive thing to do. Sounds like moving forward, putting this behind me, yada yada.

I also went to the dentist today. The stress is making me grind my teeth in my sleep so hard that I have a loose tooth. I talked to the dentist about my options and we came to the point of "save the teeth" or "pull the teeth".

I sent my kids to the waiting room (they had just had their cleaning and were enjoying seeing me getting poked and prodded in the chair). I flatly told the dentist that I had no intentions of sinking a bunch of dough into my mouth when I probably would not live to old age. Saving teeth would be great if I was going to make it to my 80's, but I don't see that happening.

That did not sound like a very positive, hopeful thing to say.

I don't think it is a boob versus teeth thing, I believe that teeth are more important that boobs. It is a 10-15 year thing. I don't think I need to go into debt to save this damn tooth, especially since I can't stop grinding it in sleep.

I bought a new Night Guard, I chewed through the last one. This one comes with a "chew threw" warrenty, if I grind a hole in it, they will replace it.

Won't I feel like an idiot if I make it to the nursing home and bitch that I had that damn tooth pulled and have to stay on a soft, nursing home diet.

10-3-10

One year ago today, I woke up in the hospital after having my breast amputated. That was supposed to be the end of this, catch it before it spreads. The surgeon came to my room, sat down and told me that it had spread. It seemed that every time someone looked at me, my cancer got worse. By the time the scans and cutting were over, I was classified as a stage IIIC.

So much has changed in this year. I have been through so many physical, emotional, financial changes.

Last evening, I spent time with a special man. I have not dated during my cancer treatment year... low white blood cells, baldness, radiation burns. Having a maimed chest made me very hesitant, I can't imagine what that looks like to an outsider.

I feel rather lucky. Had I been married to a man during diagnoses, he might have felt stuck with me so he wouldn't be labeled as the dick that left his wife when she had cancer. To meet someone who accepts me, my body, my fuzzy head, my diagnosis and the uncertainty that brings...that is pretty special. Special and scary, but I have faced cancer head on, I shouldn't be scared of a little relationship situation.

Fearless living...fearless loving....fearless giving, not a bad way to live.

10-2-10

Today is the anniversary of my mastectomy. That means I have been on this blog for about a year now. I have been a uni-boober for a year.

I had a phantom breast-feeding sensation in my missing boob the other day. A baby was crying and I felt that weird tingle on that side, my brain still associates crying baby with breast feeding.

That is so odd to me, I haven't breast fed in almost 10 years. I haven't had that boob for a year. The brain is such an interesting organ, much more interesting than boobs!

I wonder if I could drum up phantom sexual sensation on that side. Now that would be useful!

9-24-10

Clyde is benign, just a blob of mystery tissue.

Surgeon snipped my stitches and said the skin looks good.

I can breathe again.

I was prepared to do another round of chemo or whatever, but I am so freaking relieved that I don't have to. I have received another stay of execution.

9-24-10

Today I will go to the surgeon, get my stitches out and find out the pathology of Clyde. I still feel pretty confidant that Clyde is not cancer, but...there is always a but (or a butt).

Speaking of butts, the kids bought me a box of 20 full size cancer bars for my birthday. My butt will be huge. I may get back to dieting after I am sure that Clyde is cool. I guess there is a mental thing where I don't really worry about the size of my ass if I am still cancer-y.

Well, that may not be entirely true. I ate a bunch of crap during chemo, because I could. I am eating crap now because I can. I did try, and succeed in losing weight before cancer because I started thinking about how the extra weight would affect me in my old age. I didn't want the people in the nursing home to have to life my fat ass out of the bed. Since I lost weight when I had 40 years to prep for my nursing home stay, you would think that I would work harder to get in shape since my period of infirmity may be much closer now.

But not today.

Ooh, one creepy thing. My stitches are not the dissolving kind. They feel like fishing line. They poke out of my shirt and when I accidentally rub it it feels very icky. But, the skin seems to be doing OK, I think the holes will heal up fine. I may have escaped the dreaded non healing radiated wound fate.