12-22-10

Things are starting to feel "normal". They talk about the "new normal" you have after cancer, or any big life changing event, I suppose. After my divorce, it took awhile to get my bearings. This experience is very similar feeling.

We are not doing much in the way of Christmas. You can't even tell it is 3 days before the holiday if you look in my house. No tree, no cookies, no stockings...nada. Last year, I did it up big, I was in the "I have cancer and this might be my last Christmas" mode. This year, we are redecorating. My children have shared a bedroom all of their lives. Their Christmas present in their getting their own rooms! I am moving my bedroom down to the den and giving them the two bedrooms.

My house looks like a disaster area as we are moving furniture, painting, refinishing furniture. And I am experiencing personal growth as I let the kids help me paint and am not worried about drips on the base boards!

I am having a lot of trouble breathing. It could be my radiated lung issue aggravated by the dust and paint fumes we are all breathing. That is a little depressing, breathing is so nice. But, I am not freaking out about possible lung tumors and shit.

Growth.

12-8-10

I didn't realize how long it had been since I updated. The scan was pretty good, all glowing spots are attributed to radiation. Still not a "No Evidence of Disease" result, but I'll take it. Rad Onc freaked me out a little, he is such a Debbie Downer. He felt that the scan results were a more cancer-ish and less radioactivity-ish. BUT....he called me a few days later, said he reviewed the films and agreed with Big Onc that it was probably radiation that was lighting up.

That was shocking to me, the doc actually called me out of the blue to tell me things weren't as dismal as he had thought.

I had a Mammogram on my one boob yesterday, all clear. That was also refreshing. Except, the tech didn't know I only had one boob so there was that awkward moment as she pulled back the gown. You would think that would have been on the chart somewhere....but....shit like that doesn't hardly phase me anymore.

I also had a stitch come out of Clyde a few weeks ago, that was huge news. Clyde is now healing back up, there is no area of fried flesh that will become a huge necrotic wound. How in the hell surgeon missed that stitch, who knows. But....shit like that hardly phases me anymore.

So, the stay of execution has been extended. There is no reason to believe that there is anymore cancer in there. It isn't all rainbows and unicorns, this shit can turn on a dime. But...for now, it is good.

RIP Elizabeth Edwards.

I could bitch about the phrases "loses her battle", "succumbed to disease" etc. But I am not wasting energy on it. I guess the only phrase that would work is "She stopped living with cancer". She escaped. Godspeed.

11-11-10

My scan is scheduled for next Monday, the 15th. I will see Onc on the 18th for the results and for my IV treatment. I feel much better now, just getting that decision made. I have no idea what the big deal was, why did they even ask me if I wanted to scan? Why not just go ahead and do it like we had planned on in June? That would have saved me all this mental hamster wheel churning.

The fear is what is the worst. Treatments, surgery, side effects, all that sucks but is completely do-able. It is the fear that sucks the worst. And it is no as much fear for myself and what my future holds; it is more about what the kids are going to have to deal with. This has to be changing who they are.

11-8-10

I did call Onc's office and I spoke to the research nurse. She says that the increase in SUV could be a number of things, but that we biopsied Clyde and it was negative. Big Onc had already put in an order for a scan, though. So I will scan and see what we have.

This made me feel OK for about five minutes. Then, I realized that Clyde showed up at least a month AFTER the scan, after I started radiation. So are they saying that this blob was under the surface and once we radiated it, it came up to the outer layer and has plagued me since??

BUT... I just keep telling myself that my cancer registered at a 13.8 SUV, this mystery shit has gone from 3.0 to 4.8. So whatever it is, it is less potent than what I HAD.

BUT....I had an increase a month before I had the Clyde symptom. Maybe I am scared that no eyebrows were raised.

BUT...they knew I would be radiating the area, so maybe they didn't need to be concerned, stray shit would be radiated.

You see how this just goes around and around??

11-8-10

Turns out is not not easy to just "not worry". I saw the scan results, I can't un-see them. I don't think I will make it two more weeks before asking Big Onc. My appt with him is the 18th. Do I call and give him a heads up about my concern, see if he will discuss it over the phone??

A little scab thing formed over Clyde, I think it just got poked too much the week I saw Onc and Plastic Surgeon. The scab feel off this morning and now there is a slight opening that is a tad weepy. Just the slightest bit, I wouldn't normally think twice about it. But....since this is in the radiated, crispy, pork rind section of my body, I have visions of it growing into a large necrotic wound.

And.... I was having "adult relations" this weekend. I was on top and his hands reached for my breasts. There was that split second of hesitation as he decided where to put the second hand. I doubt he realized it, but I did. I won't mention it, I do believe that men don't like having to spend time reassuring women. the lack of a breast is probably less of an issue than my potential insecurity about it.

I did ask him about his opinion on reconstruction after I saw Plastics guy. I said he was in an interesting position of being able to have input on creating his dream boobs. He seemed indifferent...could that be? Is no boob preferable to a Franken-boob?

Questionable scans, weepy pork rind sores, Franken-boobs....oh yea, no worries.

11-5-10

I just reviewed my calendar. So far this year, I have had 85 doctor's appointments.

11-4-10

The PET scan stuff has me a little bummed. But, the positive is that my June number was 4.8, my number last year was 13.8....so that was in the right direction.

I keep saying I am going to just chill out and not worry about it until I see Big Onc on the 18th. That might be asking a little much of myself. Maybe I will give him a call and see if he will give me a little more info.

Cancer Sucks.