5-1-10

Yesterday, my 12yo daughter came to me with a problem. She has marks on her breast which concern her. My daughter is extremely shy, but she showed me the marks. They were just stretch marks from puberty. I am angry that my daughter has to worry about breast cancer, but I am so proud of her for paying attention and letting me know her concerns. She is very proud of her boobs and said that she would hate to get them wacked off due to cancer.

What a terribly shitty thing for a 12yo to have to worry about.

I also have concerns. The end of chemo is coming up. What if it didn't get it all. I had a dream that they told me that I was up a creek since I have finished six months of chemo and I still have cancer. I also dreamed that I tried to have a conversation with my ex-husband about dealing with my stuff (house, insurance, etc) after I am dead, he wasn't interested... big surprise.

So now that I am awake, I will try to be more logical. I still have radiation to go through. If the chemo didn't get it, hopefully the rads will. But anytime I have a scan coming up, there is anxiety, that is appropriate and normal. But I won't get scanned for a few weeks, I don't want this anxiety for that long. So I need to learn to table the scanxiety for awhile.

Good news is that I get to do rads in my town, a quick drive instead of the longer drive that I have to chemo. I haven't met anyone from rads yet, that will be new and exciting. I did go to the building where scans will be for my echo, I saw two bald people! I seem to be the only bald person where I get chemo, I don't quite understand that. My Mom feels I am the only one without enough sense to wear a wig. She still has bald daughter issues.

I was cleaning my room the other day, I have a basket of scarves and such. I am not sure that I should donate them, I think I need to pack them up. I am not at all confident that I won't need them in the future.

One day, the cancer will be gone. Then I will just worry about it coming back. I will beat myself up for not being able to enjoy a cancer free life.

I think I need therapy.