5-1-10

Yesterday, my 12yo daughter came to me with a problem. She has marks on her breast which concern her. My daughter is extremely shy, but she showed me the marks. They were just stretch marks from puberty. I am angry that my daughter has to worry about breast cancer, but I am so proud of her for paying attention and letting me know her concerns. She is very proud of her boobs and said that she would hate to get them wacked off due to cancer.

What a terribly shitty thing for a 12yo to have to worry about.

I also have concerns. The end of chemo is coming up. What if it didn't get it all. I had a dream that they told me that I was up a creek since I have finished six months of chemo and I still have cancer. I also dreamed that I tried to have a conversation with my ex-husband about dealing with my stuff (house, insurance, etc) after I am dead, he wasn't interested... big surprise.

So now that I am awake, I will try to be more logical. I still have radiation to go through. If the chemo didn't get it, hopefully the rads will. But anytime I have a scan coming up, there is anxiety, that is appropriate and normal. But I won't get scanned for a few weeks, I don't want this anxiety for that long. So I need to learn to table the scanxiety for awhile.

Good news is that I get to do rads in my town, a quick drive instead of the longer drive that I have to chemo. I haven't met anyone from rads yet, that will be new and exciting. I did go to the building where scans will be for my echo, I saw two bald people! I seem to be the only bald person where I get chemo, I don't quite understand that. My Mom feels I am the only one without enough sense to wear a wig. She still has bald daughter issues.

I was cleaning my room the other day, I have a basket of scarves and such. I am not sure that I should donate them, I think I need to pack them up. I am not at all confident that I won't need them in the future.

One day, the cancer will be gone. Then I will just worry about it coming back. I will beat myself up for not being able to enjoy a cancer free life.

I think I need therapy.

4-30-10

Chemo was a go for yesterday, they cut my steroids in half thinking that is what is causing all the swelling. My heart appears fine, I am just a fat ass with allergies, yeah!!!

Last chemo will be May 6th, I will miss cinco de Mayo, bummer.

Here is the PSA portion of my blog:
Do not operate crochet hooks while receiving IV Benedryl.



It is supposed to be a scarf. I guess I can't make straight edges when stoned on chemo drugs. My Mom is going to teach me how to make a ruffle to mask the edges, we will call it chemo-charming.

4-28-10

Chemo cancelled yesterday, Echo pushed up to today. We need to determine if the swelling and shortness of breath is a symptom of heart failure from the chemo drugs or a symptom of crab rangoon consumption.

I am hoping I am just a fat ass.

If the Herceptin is damaging my heart... the nurse said "That would suck". That means that I won't be able to keep taking the drug that is supposed to be the miracle drug against my type of cancer.

4-27-10

I am a little scared. My fingers are still swollen and I am having a little shortness of breath, this is probably not good. My face is swollen, my neck is swollen, I have been fatter than this and never had a neck or tummy this puffy.

Lucky for me, I have chemo today. Yahooo! So, I will see the nurse or the Onc or someone with initials behind their name who can tell me if I am in trouble, cardiac-ically speaking.

I also have my echocardiogram on Thursday, so if I am in trouble, it should be spotted. My concern is, if the drug that is killing cancer is damaging my heart, that is not good.

Let us just hope that the swelling is a chemo side effect and not a symptom of something more nefarious.

And my skin is trashed, my face looks like that of a cancer patient. I hate that.

4-24-10

That good night of sleep was an indication that something was amiss. I ended up spending most of that day in bed, feeling very much like the other chemo made me feel. Plus, my fingers were swollen, my legs are swelling and no matter what the medical community may say, my ass is swollen, too. The size of my ass is not caused by the Poptarts, it is the steroids, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

Yesterday, I found wet spots in the carpet. After closer examination, I found the connection to the hot water heater was leaking. Most of my day was spent dealing with that which was exhausting. But the leaking is fixed, the fan is on the carpet, hopefully I am not growing mold or funky fungi down there.

I guess I was hoping for a reprieve from the small problems that plague normal adults while I was doing cancer treatment, but I guess not.

I was not able to pick up my lymphedema sleeve since I was very busy sucking up water from the carpet. I did a good massage last night to counteract any damage I may have done yesterday and am pleased that my arm was normal size this morning.

I have also received my buckwheat hulls in the mail and will try making a thing to keep the truncal swelling down. I will spend countless hours and become frustrated and will have bought two pounds of buckwheat hull that will eventually, take up space on a shelf somewhere. Then, I will just order the thing online. But, I will try first, since I think of myself as a handy person and hate paying a lot of money for something I should be able to make.

But that is just how I roll.

4-22-10

4-22-10

I slept through the night last night, did not get out of bed at all. I guess exhaustion has finally taken over, woo hoo!

Chemo #10 down, 2 more to go. Echo coming up next week to make sure my ticker is still ticking correctly. I will have another PET scan in a month or so to see if I still have cancer floating around. And radiation will start next month, sometime. I still have no info on who will be in charge of the frying portion of the program.

I think I can pick up my lymphedema sleeve today, looking forward to having that so I can do my yard work without worrying so much about my arm swelling. I am looking at lighter weed eaters, maybe without the pull cord starter, something wimpy that I can use. I love my big bad ass weedeater, but I shouldn't try to use it, the weight and vibration may set off the swelling.

At this point, I do not have lymphedema in my arm, just in my trunk. So when I do too much, my armpit swells and the area on the side of my chest swells. I have been doing my massage to keep the fluid moving, so far, so good. But, moderation is not my strong suit, asking for help is not my strong suit.

Will I learn to ignore yard work or will I learn to ask for help or will I learn to live with being puffy if I don't do either... update later.

Good arm is quite tingly, neuropathy is spreading but not getting more concentrated. I can still button stuff and have not dropped anything. My feet are getting a little numb, but I think I am doing well enough to finish the chemo.

Man, I needed that sleep. Just yesterday, I was getting very frustrated with the fatigue level. I was thinking about how bad it would feel if this was my energy level from here on out. Today, I am good to go, finish the last two chemos and have hope that I will feel better after that. Well, except for the radiation fry...

Small confession... I am hesitant to celebrate the end of chemo, with lemon cake or anything else. My feeling is that this will not be the end. I am 41 years old, this is going to come back at some point. It feels like celebrating under false pretenses. But, I should stop being so pessimistic, celebrate the end of this phase and let my family have their cake.

I did put new tires on my 18 year old car yesterday, that was optimistic of me. That I will be around long enough to justify the expense, or that my car will be around long enough to justify the expense. I even sprang for new windshield wipers, how exciting!