6-29-10

I am not doing very well, mentally. I guess it is from doing radiation every damn day which means that I feel all cancer-y every damn day. With chemo, I would not sleep well the night before the drip, then I would move on with my week. With radiation, I don't sleep well, I get my zap and for the next 23 hours, I feel I am just killing time until the next zap.

So I crochet like a maniac, I get very consumed in finding cheap yarns. I cut up plastic grocery bags to crochet.

I made a five foot afghan in 10 days, that is some heavy duty crocheting. Plus, I made a few other small things in that time frame.

Crocheting through Cancer.... if I learn something big, I should write it down.

So I have had 8 zaps so far, and the jury is still out on how many I will have. I have been told 25 and 33, I don't know how the decision is made. It kind of messes up my count down if I don't know what the final tally is.

The treatment itself is pretty scary. There is this machine that comes at you like the Alien from the Alien movie, but I am not Ripley. There are teeth in that thing, it comes very close to me and it growls and buzzes. The teeth slide open and shut to make the exact shape of my cancer-y area.

I try to relax and pretend this is a tanning bed treatment. But I have this fear that the techs aren't paying attention, the machine will zap for too long and I will combust right there on the table. I discussed this fear with the techs, one tech replied, "That very rarely happens", then he grinned. He also told me to stop counting the seconds of the buzzes or he would change it up just to screw with me. I guess that is good that he can joke about it, I will try to chill out.

Tanning bed and one armpit electrolysis, tanning bed and one armpit electrolysis...that is too hard to chant, I need a simpler mantra.