Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Today is my 3rd boost. I have a few weird burn marks.

It looks like I have been choked or have been given a hickey by a duck billed platypus.

My chest is also very red, but I will spare you those pics, for now.

Friday, July 23, 2010


First boost down, four to go. The boost is more high tech than the wet washcloth. There is a telescoping protrusion with a lead plate which is cut out to reveal the shape of my particular bananna shaped area they want to boost.

I asked if they recycle the plates, I thought if they just trashed them, I would take it home, it would make cool art.

Rad Onc talked to Big Onc's nurse and came and told me I was clear to have the surgery. Five minutes later, Big Onc's nurse calls me and tells me to hold off seeing surgeon until after I see Big Onc in two weeks.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010


24th Zap today, One more regular zap and then five boosts. They set up the "booster", it is more hi-tech than a wash cloth. It is like a booster seat your kid sits on at the table. The booster sticks out of the machine and gets very close to the area. Which area, I am not exactly sure, they did draw a large bananna shape on me, maybe that is the area.

Today, I just don't give a rat's ass. I am tired.

Rad Onc wants me to have the new bump cut out ASAP, my surgeon's office was calling me as I walked in the door from radiation. This makes me nervous. Big Onc wanted to wait and scan it when I am not radioactive. This makes me nervous.

Rad Onc and Big Onc were supposed to Pow Wow today on the phone. I don't think I get a vote, that makes me nervous.

I think I get nervous when I don't know what worst case scenario is. Let's assume it is cancer, can I do more chemo or am I maxed out? Since Big Onc thinks it is probably nothing, we didn't discuss the what-ifs.

I have a feeling that Rad Onc thinks that it is something, although he flip flops. I don't think he believes it is scar tissue if he wants surgery ASAP.

I am tired, burned out, burned up.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


I had my 20th zap today. Five more with the wet washcloth and then 5 "boosts", maybe they will pull out the silly putty for that.

I saw the Big Dog Onc today. He said nothing very helpful, same ole, same ole, if it's cancer, we are already zapping it. He did say that I can't be scanned for a while, since I am all radioactive, everything would glow.

So what I have learned is that I won't learn anything for a long time.

So I am going to try to just forget about it, except when it rubs on something, I have to wear my seatbelt, I am in the shower, trying to sleep on my stomach, getting hugged or getting zapped.

Other than those times, I will forget about it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


My children go to their Dad's every weekend, so I used to use that opportunity to look at the reconstruction message board and contemplate new boobs. I don't look at surgical pics when they are here, any mention of body fluid grosses them out.

I haven't been to the recon board in a while, I think my brain is back into survival mode and not worrying about boobs or the lack of anymore.

I had my first radiation treatment with the bolus Friday. Radiation in a very precise science, lasers and trajectories and constant monitoring. I get Xrays every week, there are tattoos that make sure I am lined up precisely right. The purpose of the bolus is to "trick" the machine into thinking I am thicker than I am so it will zap more superficially. It is a thing they literally lay over the area in question to get more radiation to the surface. It is all very scientific and I am glad there are people with a lot of initials behind their name in charge of this.

The bolus is....a wet washcloth. Wow, if a wet washcloth can trick this fancy machine, I have very little confidence in this machine.

There are more fancy bolus materials out there, but my guys say that the wet washcloth conforms nicely to individual lumps and bumps better. I suggested if we are going to just use a washcloth, which they nicely used warm water on, perhaps a nice seaweed wrap would be more therapeutic.

The smart ass tech said he could run down to the gulf to get some seaweed but the oil content may cause problems, that spontaneous combustion I am worried about.

Rad Onc said my Oma (that is mystery growth) is not bone, it is either scar tissue or soft tissue cancer. That is good news, I have a lot of soft tissue to spare, they can just keep cutting it out. Too bad it is not on these saddlebags on my thighs.

So I will finish rads with the fancy washcloth, probably get another scan and a biopsy. Unless, my Big Dog Onc says something different on Thursday.

I think I will name the Oma "Clyde", don't know why, it just feels like a Clyde.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


Had a little pow wow with radiation oncologist to discuss CT scan from yesterday.
They are going to add a bolus of radiation to the lump, the peanut M & M, which sounds like cancer treatment to me.

He was hesitant to say the word "cancer", I found that odd, he is a radiation oncologist, I would think that everyone he sees has or has had cancer.

I suggested we stick a needle in there and see what is up. We can't do that while I am taking radiation treatments since it will interfere with my healing. So, after rads, then we will stick a needle in there and see what it is.

In the meantime...if it gets bigger, that means it is probably scar tissue that is being all twisted and mangled by the laser beams we are shooting at it. If is gets smaller, that means that it is cancer that is shrinking from the laser beams.

It seems odd to be hoping that my mystery lump gets bigger.


Time does not heal all wounds, time just increases the odds that you will die before the conflict is resolved.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


14 zaps down, no big side effects, just a little pink.

But...I have a new lump. It is on my ribs on the cancer side. It wasn't there 2 weeks ago, doc says it feels like a peanut M & M, you would think he would have said something in medical-ese.

It is in the same spot as the mystery spot on my last PET scan, but it is also in the field that we are radiating. So, if it is cancer, we are already zapping it.

They did a CT scan on it today.

I am crocheting on Valium.

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Twelve zaps down, who knows how many to go. My skin is starting to turn a little pink. There is a weird shape to this pinkness, it looks like I have been branded by a giant Lego or something.

My youngest daughter's birthday was yesterday. We had a little party for her Friday. I was too emotionally invested in this as it was a way to prove to myself that I am still a good Mom despite cancer. I really needed this to be successful...of course, it wasn't. There was family drama between my siblings, a pissed off niece and a bratty 6 year old that hurt my daughter's feelings. There were traffic jams so some people didn't get to make it, her Nana was out of town....my baby's birthday was a bust.

But, she did love the gifts that I had bought for her, so that made me happy.

I would really like it if something nice could happen to my kids, they have had a crappy year.