Thursday, May 12, 2011


I do not have cancer anymore.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I had a PET scan Friday and today will get the results.

If I have more cancer, then I will do all that shit again.

If I don't have more cancer, I have reconstruction surgery scheduled for July 15th. So I will do different shit! It is a real pain in the back (literally) surgery, no easy boob job for me. They rip the muscle from your back, whip it around front and make a boob hammock out of it. Then, they do the expander and fill you up week after week to stretch you out for the implant.

I feel very wrong for putting myself and my family through that. I feel like I will need to get that straight in my head prior to surgery. I don't want to go under the knife already feeling regret and guilt.

Do I deserve boobs? I will take time off from work, stress out my kids, need help from family just to get a new boob (and to perk up the old one to match). Do we have a right to boobs???

Am I just trying to psyche myself out?

Thursday, April 28, 2011


I am doing such a bad job of blogging, I think I am trying to get away from the cancer crap.

The other day, Big Onc's office called to schedule a PET scan. My blood all fell to my feet as I stood there. I realized that everyone seems to think this should all be put behind me, I even try to live like it is all in the past. But...that call meant that it is still very much a thing of the present.

On the health front, I feel pretty shitty. I have had a headache since the first of the year. They have done a CT scan and it showed a sinus thing on one side (the side that hurts). I thought this was great news and that it would be a quick fix. Well, it didn't get fixed with the sinus stuff the NP gave me, so we are trying a new med just targeting the headache and not the sinus.

My eyeball pressure is responding well to the drops, so it is not the cause of the headaches either.

Oh, but I did come out of "chemo-pause". My period started again after 15 months. I am hoping that this will jump start something in my system, make something , anything, feel different.

I am trying, really, to live my life like this was all just a bump in the road. It all just seems a little like getting a new paint job for a car destined for the demolition derby.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Tonight, there is a specialist coming to Gilda's Club to talk to the parents and answer any questions we may have. I was contemplating my possible questions and just started weeping.

How do I know how fucked up the kids are from the cancer? They seem OK, but I am sure it altered their trajectory somehow, even a slight bit.

My sister and I have been estranged since right before my diagnosis. She was having a midlife crisis thing, affair, divorce, blah blah, I just didn't have a lot of sympathy for her. If that makes me a bitch, then OK, I am a bitch. Then, I was diagnosed and it changed nothing, we remained estranged.

The thing that has always chapped my ass about that year was that she NEVER checked on my children. She could have taken them out for a pizza, had them hang out with her kids for the day, she could have lifted a finger to give them a break from their constant reality. To put it in perspective, my kids are homeschooled, they are with me 24 hours a day, Monday - Friday (they spend weekends with their Dad). Anyway, the kids dealt with living in my cancer crap all damn day. They could have used a break. They could have used an Aunt to get them out of the house every once in a while. (Other Aunt did help me with chemo crud and did help the kids with things they needed).

All the shit with sister doesn't matter anymore. We don't talk, we don't ...anything. I don't care about the specifics of her affair, divorce etc. She was a shitty Aunt to my kids.

Glad I got that out, now on to my day.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Best outcome possible, there is something wrong but it is not cancer. There is something amiss in one of those sinus cavities in my head, just on the right side. That makes sense that it is one sided since I have been so unsteady and out of balance.

So, I have new meds and won't even need the "Total Recall" ping pong ball plucker!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I went to general doc yesterday with my weird head complaints.

I am having a CT scan of my brain this morning.

I have learned that it does no good to tell anyone as:
1. There is no point in worrying anyone needlessly, wait till we find out.
2. I don't like hearing, "It is probably nothing, don't worry", blah blah blah

I did tell significant other type guy, I guess that makes him pretty significant, how about that.

So, let's cross our fingers for some big old sinus fatty tumor thing that is causing the eyeball, balance and brain issues. And, it would be cool if they could pull it out through my nose like Arnold Schwartz-y-whatever pulled that tracking device out of his nose in "Total Recall".

Friday, March 11, 2011


They say when you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras.

I have been wondering when cancer is the zebra, not the horse. Right now, when something happens, I assume cancer, it is my horse. But at some point, cancer should become the zebra-right?

My head is still wonky. I have headaches pretty much all the time, not really painful headaches, just annoying discomfort in my head. I am still a little clumsy sometimes. I have cognition symptoms that are an issue. What are the chances I finish cancer only to develop early onset Alzheimers?

So, I have stopped trying to figure out the probability of zebras vs horses and just focused on the prescence of hooves. Something is amiss. It has gotten to the point that I am not concerned with feeling like a hypochondriac. I need my head to feel better.

I called the Onc, the nurse said let the general doctor take a looksie. I made an appointment for Monday. That seemed responsible. I had been thinking tumor vs crazy. I came to realize there are a whole slew of other things that could be going on in there. It could still be the eyeball thing.

But I would like to stop hurting. I will go deal with the hooves. I will worry about species later.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I went to the eye doctor guy to get an new scrip for glasses as mine were about eight years old. He said my pressure in one eye was alarmingly high and suggested I see an opthalmologist to check for glaucoma. I immediately assume brain tumor as how unlucky could I be to have cancer and glaucoma.

I followed up with the opthalmologist and was diagnosed with ocular hypertension, the precursor to glaucoma. Thankfully, there has not been damage to my optic nerve and they have started me on glaucoma meds to prevent further problems. Unfortunately, it is not the fun smoke-able glaucoma meds they joke about on TV.

On the positive side, I am going to assume that the eyeball thing is what has caused my weird head feeling that I have had for the past 6 weeks or so. I put in my new glaucoma drops last night assuming that I would wake up without a headache. It kind of worked, I am not as fuzzy feeling. Maybe the meds, maybe the power of suggestion...

I am also wondering if I am allowing myself to feel like crap to ward of the big bad shit. When I was diagnosed, I had finally started giving a damn, losing weight, working out, thinking about some long term plans. Then, the big C hit. This winter, it seems that I tried to start feeling a little positive, getting back into the grove and ended up in the hospital.

Maybe, I am subconsciously staying blah since that seems to keep me under the radar and away from the shitty stuff. Stay miserable and you won't notice when the shit hits the fan...yeah, that is great logic.

I still haven't made an appointment with the therapist!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I did not have a headache. I had become pretty sure that I had a brain tumor, but since I had no headache yesterday, that means no tumor. (At least in my mind, and reality is fluid depending on the facts at hand. )

That news reporter...Serene Branson that had some sort of episode during the Grammy Awards???? That is my fear, that brain short circuit when I am supposed to be accountable. I am usually with a child or a patient, there is not many opportunities for a "convenient" brain thing. They have not said what happened to Ms Branson, all very anti-climactic.

I took the kids to a cancer support for kids thing last night. They were not thrilled. After hearing the other kids share their families cancer cliff notes, my children said that my cancer was not very dramatic. Hmmm, do they forget so soon, did I shield them well or was it just a very boring cancer tour of duty?

Thursday, February 10, 2011


I had my last IV Herceptin treatment yesterday. I don't think I did it right, I was supposed to be all happy and jolly that it was my last infusion. Instead, I felt like I imagine the inmate does after DNA clears him and he is released with a "Sorry, we screwed up, go live a life".

So I spent all this time and energy fighting to live and now I need to go out

I think my problem may be in what I assume they mean by live. I think I assume they mean that I am supposed to be like the women in tampon commercials, all dancing on the beach, running in the forest, rolling around on white sheets.

Tampon commercial moments....those are what I am missing from my life.

I have even considered the "fake it till you make it" theory of life. But, what if all these people out there are also faking it, trying to look like the tampon commercials.

So now I am crocheting doilies. I don't need doilies. They just keep me busy. While I wait.

I feel a break through coming on.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Recovering from the pneumonia has been much harder than I anticipated. My old crunchy lung cilia just ain't what it used to be. I was unable to work this weekend, so that is two weeks without pay....what a great way to start the year.

I did make a trip to the grocery store this weekend to stock up for the winter storms. It was exhausting just walking around with the extra weight of the coat I was wearing. Really, really surprising to me how easily fatigued I am. I am doing my little lung exercisey capacity is almost normal.

The kids were yesterday and I could not walk and yell at them at the same time. So you have to be good or be still, you can't be bad on the move!

I crocheted a new afghan in 5 days, that is a new record. You can get a lot of crocheting done when you just have to sit still and breathe.

Frustrated and gloomy....but I will feel better.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


After a few weeks of my breathing getting better, then worse, then better again, I ended up in the hospital for four days with pneumonia. I wasn't expecting that at all! I am home but still pretty ill, on house arrest and just sitting and breathing.

I think I am still a tad depressed, I was scared but a little OK with dying. There is just an odd OKness with my mortality that I didn't have before. Dying would suck, but I guess my ducks are in a row better now and I have had some time to digest it. I am not planning on dying, but the idea doesn't piss me off like it used to.

I am sure I need therapy for that.