Saturday, October 31, 2009


I realized this morning how cancer has affected every aspect of my life: my finances, my house, my wardrobe, my kids, my car, my food, my medicine cabinet...
I was trying to think of an aspect of my life that does not have the cancer "stain" on it... I came up with one thing that has been untouched my cancer...

My socks, they are still the same with no adjustment needed. My socks have not been affected by cancer.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Well, yesterday I met the guy with the battle plan. Then found out he is NOT the guy since my insurance isn't accepted at that office. There is a ton of insurance bull crap and like I said from the beginning, I am afraid it is not the cancer that will kill me, but the insurance.

Anyway, this coming week, I will have a heart test, a PET scan (to check for cancer in other spots) and have the power port installed. Busy week coming up. I will meet my new oncologist the following Monday and perhaps start the chemo at that time.

So I guess I'll be bald in about three weeks.

What new stuff did I learn yesterday? That I will have radiation after chemo is over. I thought the mastectomy would mean no radiation. But, that is not the case. I will also have the genetic test and if I test positive, then I will have to make a decision about cutting off more parts to decrease chance of recurrence.

So, things we are hoping for:
1. No mets on PET scan, that is hasn't spread. If it has, the plan changes. If it has, I will be a stage IV, that is a different ball game.
2. Negative genetic test, not so much for me, but for my kids. The thought of having more stuff cut out or off sucks, but is do-able. I just don't want to think of my kids having to worry about this and being tested and having to think about cancer as young women.

My 12yo DD asked me if chemo could do anything worse than just make me feel sick. She wants to know if I am going to die but doesn't know how to ask me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Anxiety raising about tomorrow's appointment. I feel like I am just pacing around the house waiting, waiting for the plan, waiting for the next batch of crap to start, waiting...

Today, I tried a different camisole, with foam cups. It fits the real boob OK. I put the cushie foob in the other side and all is good for a little while. But during the day, cushie foob migrates up while actual boob migrates down. I need to weight it down.

The nursing home I work for had a fund raiser for me, gave me an envelope of money they had collected. In this envelope of bills was a baggie or quarters. Some little old lady gave me her baggie of quarters.

I put it in my cushie foob to weight it down. I think it is kinda cool cause that little baggie of quarters really means something to me. Now it is always with me. And I will always have money for a phone call!

I put on a fitted shirt over my new weighted down foob and my 10 yo DD was checking to see if I was lopsided. So I said "If I am at the store, no one will say 'OMG that woman has crazy boobs' ?" She replied "No mom, people will say 'That woman has no sense of style'". She hates the shirt! I got a second opinion from 12yo DD who said, "Looks like you've got your torpedo boobs back!".

10:30 Tomorrow, I meet the guy who is in charge of the battle plan.

I wonder if the oncologists at this place are competitive? Do they sit around the break room comparing remission rates? I hope my guy is competitive and that he wants me alive to keep his stats good.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Incision still weeping a little, but it is slowing down. Antibiotics make me feel queasy but I imagine it is good training for chemo.

Basically, just frustrated with being sore and stiff and scared. Anxiety is increasing as Thursday approaches. I guess I am afraid that the oncologist will think I am more screwed that originally thought.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Didn't sleep well last night, maybe because I was a couch potato all day yesterday, maybe because I couldn't stop thinking.

Pondering the "realistic" vs "thinking positive". Do I think positive and assume I will be here for years and years. Do I assume I have plenty of time to give my kids a perfect Christmas, to clean out my filing cabinets, to buy a motorcycle... Or do I think more realistic and get my files in order so someone can find stuff after my demise.

Can I say I am "thinking positive" so I have an excuse to NOT clean my filing cabinets and closets??

I am worried about Christmas, money is going to be tighter than I had planned. I could use credit cards but if thinking positive works, that would screw up my get out of debt plan.

On the physical "front", the weeping is slowing down, hopefully the antibioics are working. The sandpaper armpit feeling is slowly getting better. I still catch myself holding my arm funny. I have considered binding my left arm to force me to use the right arm more. When I try to raise my right arm, my chest just doesn't feel stable enough to hold it up. I asked the surgeon if anything bad happened to my pec, he said "No, I just ripped a boob off of it", or something to that effect. I like my surgeon. He tells it like it is.

Not looking forward to putting the port in, that will be three times I will have been put to sleep in less than six weeks. That can't be good for your brain cells.

Friday, October 23, 2009


Ended up going back to the doctor today, decided I didn't want to spend the weekend worrying about the weeping. He packed it with an antibiotic wick and gave me a prescription. So we are assuming there is an infection unless the culture says otherwise. I am glad I went in, I just really want to move past the surgery and onto the next phase.

Went by my work and visited. Surgeon says I can try to work next weekend if I feel up to it. He suggests I "use my common sense" which is not always a good idea for someone as hard headed as myself.

It was very touching seeing everyone at work. Someone commented how nice it is to see how many people really care about you.

It sucks to be in a situation where people feel compelled to tell you how much they care about you.

But I realized tonight, cancer has given me permission to believe in good and to have hope. I guess I had gotten a tad cynical, or more than a tad. And I truly believe in good, G-d and a have given myself permission to have hope.

This is just a middle chapter, a turning point, this is not the main plot point of my story.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


One month since D-Day (diagnoses day). Life has completely changed in that month and that is all I can say about that (insert Forrest Gump accent).

Left boob is happy, I am wearing one of the sports bras I bought last night. Right side is still weeping. I don't know how to refer to my right side, it is not a boob but it deserves a kinder name than "raw meat looking horror movie prop" side.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

10-21-09 evening

Incision site is still weeping, but I guess that is better than having fluid collect under my skin.

Drove my car for the first time in 20 days! Took the kids to Walmart, picked up a few different type of bras, 2 sports bras, one no underwire bra and one camisole. I tried the cushie foob this morning with some of my pre-surgery tops, nothing works, I got frustrated and the kids saw me cry. So I just gave up, put back on the sleeping bra and the shirt that is 3 sizes too big. I guess I am glad it is fall and layering is in.

Did some good stretching, made some progress on shoulder flexion, was able to touch the pull-up bar. I was working on being able to do pull ups prior to diagnoses, so I now I have the new goal of being able to touch the bar.


My boob is weeping. I was making morning coffee and I started weeping, from my eyes, just a little morning moodiness. I felt a weird drop of wetness and checked the mirror and my boob was weeping too. Kinda sweet and poetic...

But, I must have popped a stitch and now may be leaking all over the place. That is not sweet or poetic.

Today was going to be "stop babying that arm and stand up straight" day. It was not going to be "keep 4 x 4s in your top so you don't leave a trail" day.

Oh well, the best laid plans.... however the saying goes.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


On the physical front, the front being where my problem is (LOL), went back to surgeon and he removed the drain again today. For whatever reason, he says I cannot develop another hematoma. That if I swell up again it truly is a case of me growing a new boob which would be a medical mystery.

He is pleased with my armpit (pleased with his work, probably would prefer it clean shaven). He will see me again in two weeks to discuss port placement.

Port placement... that means chemo...this is getting real. I knew chemo was in the future but now the hour draws closer. I see oncologist next week to discuss the plan. Up until now, I have considered myself a "surgical patient", next week, I will become an "oncology patient".

I am still very detached from my cancer. My breast had cancer, so we chopped it off. My Lymph system has cancer so we will poison it. I, me, Melinda, don't feel like I have cancer.

I did read that mosquitos and fleas don't bite people having chemo, I wonder if I will be done with chemo by spring. Seems a shame to not take advantage of the insect repellant properties.

I am just a little burned out feeling today. For some reason, I was really dreading this drain removal. The drain itself was just real uncomfortable. The last two were just an irritation, this one was really bugging me.

But it is gone, so no more excuses. no slouching, no holding my arm like I have had a stroke, time to get up straight, rehab that shoulder and maybe even wear and outfit that fits. I have been wearing huge shirts to cover the drain bulge. I want to wear a regular bra and clothes that fit.

Speaking of regular bras, I came up with an idea. How about a bra with heaving bosom on one side and beer couzie on the other, should be every mans dream!

Monday, October 19, 2009


Yesterday was a pretty good day, or if it was bad, it wasn't bad enough to have left a lasting impression on me. Mom went home so I was by myself for a bit before the kids came home. Watched "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy". Not a bad little flick, but the post-surgical dressing change scene was frustrating. No drains, no bruising, no softball like stitches, just a prettied up Hollywood scar. I get that maybe you can't show that on Lifetime, at least do mirror scene where you know she is seeing something not pretty but you don't have to show the not prettiness.

Yesterday was my 20 year sober-versery. I've made my point, I may start hitting the hard stuff soon-joking, joking.

In 2005, my hubby left and the divorce crap started. It was a very bad time and it seemed to drag on forever. Now that that period of my life is over, I really can say that I like who I am now better. It was one of those "character building" experiences that I did come out richer for. Perhaps cancer will be the same.

I guess there are only three ways out of this cancer mess:

I will try for better.

Post-op appointment tomorrow, checking the drains. I am afraid that lizard boob is returning but I am chalking that up to paranoia.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Yesterday was OK, I did take 1/2 a pain pill every 4-5 hours, just thought I might try following doctor's instructions and see how that goes. Got the bandages off which was a long and complicated procedure but it got done. Took a shower, digestive system getting back on track, had some visitors and a mini-fight with my sister (but not going to waste time on that).

Little bit of redness at the re-incision site and around the drain and armpit is swelling again. I am ready to move on to the next challenge as this one is getting boring. But I know to be careful what I wish for as the surgical challenge may be a piece of cake compared to the onology challenge.

The mastectomy site is actually looking like a mastectomy site, flat, deflated but I have stretch marks that I developed from the hematoma and that would tick me off if I thought about it for awhile. You chopped off my darn boob and I still have stretch marks, what kind of deal is that. My hope is that since I had the hematoma and the stetching, I may have a little extra "play" in there for future tissue expanders and implants (trying to look on the bright side).

Being scared is worse that pain for me and the redness makes me scared. But it didn't get bigger overnight, so I will try not to worry about it. I do think I should schedule any future procedures for early in the week. Being acute post-op on the weekends unsettles my nerves, knowing getting to my doctor would be so much more involved during non-office hours.

Friday, October 16, 2009


My amazing lizard like regenerating boob was removed yesterday, actually it was just a large hematoma, old blood that wasn't reabsorbing, but I had a decent C or B cup thing on my chest.

They let come home after the procedure so that was good. I slept through the night without feeling like I had a brick on my chest. This morning, I just have the drain and all the darn bandages. I hate, hate, hate tape.

So it feels similar to the post mastectomy without all the armpit pain. So I am going to think positive that my arm is in better shape and I can keep going with it and the chest stretches will follow shortly behind.

I am NOT going to worry that pushing the oncologist back two weeks will result in my untimely demise. Frankly, there is no advantage to worrying about that as there is nothing I can do about it. The oncologist won't start any treatment until I am healed from mastectomy and I have had this speedbump and it will all work out in the end.

Did I mention that my 10yo DD told me she doesn't like the term "Breast Cancer Survivor". She said that she doesn't want to think about the alternative and can not imagine that some people die from this when I seem pretty OK.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I will check in again to the hospital tomorrow to have my new boob removed.Actually, they will just remove the hematoma or seroma or whatever "oma" I am growing and install another drain.

I will try my best not to complain about the drain this time, better out than in, right?

I could get frustrated thinking I have wasted the past two weeks letting the cancer spread as I will have to put off the oncologist until the 29th.

Or I could be amused by my bodies determination to have two boobs. I could be a circus act.

The doctor said it did look very painful and told me to stop trying to be tough and take the darn painkillers tonight.


I am feeling rather reptilian today, apparently I have the ability to regenerate a new boob where the old one was removed, like a lizard who has his tail cut off.

Doctor's appt this afternoon, please remove my new appendage.

The above picture, demonstrates my issue. The stripey stuff in the front in the sleeping bra thingy I am still wearing. The protrusion on the left is my actual boob which wants to be in an actual bra. The protusion on the right is swelling from the mastectomy, there isn't supposed to be anything there! They cut everything off and that small amount of skin left has filled up with fluid that extends under my armpit.

I am not a happy camper.


I am still havig significant pain, it wakes me up in the night. I just can't get the swelling to stop. I don't care about chemo, hair loss, puking, getting back to work... I just want this swelling to go down. If I could put the drains back in myself, I would, and I hated those damn drains.

My 12yo wanted to talk about the baldness that may be in my future. I have told them "If you hear Mommy talk about something that concerns you, please come ask me, don't assume something and worry, ask me for the info."

Apparently, I made a flip remark about a pretty scraf and said something about how that may be good for my bald period. 12yo DD heard that and we talked about what chemo may entail. So they wanted to do one of those virtual make-overs on the computer to see what I would look like bald. I wasn't ready for all that last night, maybe today. I don't know whether that would be a healing activity or just a scary one for them.

Man, I wish someone could just stick a pin in me a release all this fluid.

Monday, October 12, 2009


Back from getting the bluck sucked out. It is always great when the guy holding a needle in you boob says "Paydirt"!


Realized I was all talk and no action.

I have been acting all big and ballsy "Let's get over this surgery and start that cancer kicking chemo".

They called with first oncology appt on this Thursday, I teared up, I don't want to go, I am a big baby.


Still morning and getting grumpy. The boob they cut off is now bigger than the one that is still there. Appointment at 2PM so hopefully they will pull some of this fluid off.

In the shower, I am tired of sticky boob, I want the tape residue off, I just keep finding balls of it.

I am tired of not being able to wear a bra, my left boob deserves a little respect.

I am tired of being acute post-op feeling. I wanted to be working on range of motion, increasing function and being able to wear my little poufie foob.

And I am not vain, I am not stunningly beautiful and have never really cared about fashion. I would just like to look less gray and get my damn left boob some support!


On the physical front, arm feeling better but still swelling. I called docto on a Sunday (GASP, so you know I was hurting) and I will go in this morning to see if they need to draw some crud out.

On the mental front, interesting night last night. There are a couple of people that I have severed relationships with PRE cancer. I decided they weren't the kind of people I wanted in my life and this was before all this cancer crap started.

So I have this "Twilight Zone" moment when they are BOTH in my house at the SAME time. And they are chatting all chummy like (and these are two people who haven't said a nice thing about each other in years!)

Now, maybe I am wrong, but MY CANCER does not give you a "get out of a$$hole jail" free card. Just because I may be sick does not mean all the crappy stuff you have been doing to me doesn't matter.

I had to go outside and "phone a friend". I feel as long as I am paying my mortgage, I still get to be the boss of my house, why the heck did they think that would be OK. Disclaimer: one is my sister and I know my Mom hates that we have become distant so she sorta set that one up. I can't be mad at my Mom, I know where her heart is.

Maybe my diagnoses made people think I would forgive and forget. Frankly, I have forgiven and moved on and don't want jerks in my life. Perhaps my diagnoses should prompt people to ask for forgiveness or at least admit they scewed up. But the theory seems to be "She's dying so all that mean stuff I did, doesn't matter anymore".

Yeah, it matters.

To show what a big deal this was, it really upset my 10yo DD, when she saw these two people in my house being all chummy, she was really convinced that I must be dying.

So to my sister and my ex-husband: I love you both, I have forgiven you, but you both are still acting like people that I don't want around me. So go forth and prosper, but don't hang around my house. Only nice people who truly give a crap get to see me right now.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Still watching the swelling, it is not warm, just on the big side and uncomfortable. Can't put my right arm all the way down next to my body. My shoulder is hanging internally rotated which is just going to cause increased need for stretching.

Got out of the house last night, friend took me out for dinner.

I don't remember what I used to chat about "pre-cancer". I did not want to talk about cancer all night and had difficulty keeping up my end of the conversation. I should make an effort to keep up with current events. Or bring flash cards with coversation starters on them!

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Still in a fair amount of pain this morning. My sister-in-law is an RN and will come over in a bit to see if I am swelling weird from the drains being gone.

Had a crappy emotional thing happen yesterday. My daughter showed me something that was starting to wear out and I thought "I won't be around in a few months so I don't have to worry about replacing that". Hmmm, not a good thought process.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Today has been my worse pain day, so far. I think that after getting the drains out, I thought I would be all big and bad and do a good exercise routine. Then, I did alot of chopping of food, trying to cook today.

Plus, I put on a real bra and tried my cushie foob. I am wearing an ugly shirt, busy print to distract the eyes from the foob situation.

I don't want to take a pain pill, being all tough and all, so I will wimper quietly. I realize how stupid that sounds. Rambo doesn't wimper. So, perhaps I will take a warm bath, take off my stupid bra and pop the pills that everyone else who has boobs cut off needs.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

10-8-09 Evening

After being essentially discharged by my surgeon and awaiting oncology consult to start chemo, I decided it was time to talk to my children about phase 2.

Last week, during a "pissed about cancer" day, I went to the batting cage, hit 44 out of 45 balls (I was impressed with myself).

So tonight, I use that as my example. That the surgery got the 44 "cancer balls" but we have to get that 1 ball that slipped by the surgery. So I will do the chemo to make sure no pesky cancer cells are lurking around.

Now, you have to know my 10yo DD, she is the coolest kid ever. In her cutest smarta$$ self, she said "So Mom still has cancer because she stinks at baseball".

My kids are great. Since I am drainless, I wore my usual pajama's without the large shirt covering the drain hump. It was the first time they had "really" seen the flat side of my chest. It was a moment...don't know how to describe it, but it was real.

I tried the cushie "foob" today, but it just looked silly with the shelf bra camisole thing I was wearing over the sleep bra I still wear.

I was wearing underwire bras before surgery, but since I am scared of lymphadema, I will pull out my granny looking soft sided bras. Maybe without the drains, it will be comfortable enough.

Oh, and I got my first hug on the no boob side today. There was a millisecond where I had to decide whether to twist pre-hug, but I let it go and no one recoiled in horror.

So another check mark on my post-mastectomy "to do" list.

10-8-09 Morning

Surgeon pulled the drains out today! It hurt like a #%&*@ but they are gone!

I am a stage IIIa, which is better than a IV. But not as good as a II. BUT still not a IV.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

My "grenade" belt

10-7-09 Morning

Two weeks and one day ago, I had a very normal, divorced mom of two, not rolling in the dough, worried about the car needing new tires, kind of life. I was planning on having all credit card debt paid off by the end of the year and thinking about some fix-it projects around the house.

Two weeks ago, I heard "Well, it is cancer".

I have had to tell my children and my family that I have cancer. I have had to take a crash course in cancer. My "google" history looks completely different now. I have had major surgery and look like a truck ran me over. I have tubes of body fluid strapped to my waist that I carefully measure.

Two weeks and one day ago, I was trying to learn to do pull ups and was getting very close. Today, I can't even get my fingertips to touch the pull up bar.

Two weeks ago and one day ago, I was going to get debt free and have my house paid off before I turned 50. Now I am hoping I get to 42 and receiving offers from loved ones if I lose my house and need shelter.

My vocabulary has changed, my wardrobe has changed, my internet search history has changed. My job, my finances, the stuff I mark on my calendar has changed. I was tracking weight watchers points and calories consumed. Now I track cc's of schmuck that come out of my mangled chest.

It is not all bad, my friendships have become richer and I have culled the dead weight of some relationships. I have an opportunity to look at things a little deeper than I did two weeks ago. I don't think I was a very shallow person to start with, but it all gets a little more intense after cancer gets introduced.

So I can use this to get more "earth mommy", enlightened, and peaceful. Or I guess I could become bitter, angry and get real old, real fast.

I am tired of "character building experiences".

The doc said "agressive" cancer, I don't like that either.

I haven't told the kids that mom still has cancer and must have chemo.

I want a tattoo that says "Fuck Character".

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

10-6-09 Morning

Today I have my post-op appt with surgeon. I took another piece of tape of yesterday, so I have had a pretty good look at the incision. I can't even try to describe the breast area other than to say -DAMN, that looks like it hurts (which it does). The armpit looks pretty mangled also.

I cut my pain pills in half yesterday. I think I need to feel more discomfort so I know when to stop. So even though I am allowed to take 12 a day, I only took 1.5 yesterday. That makes me proud in my warped Rambo-ette kind of way. I even took a nap yesterday, but had a terrible nightmare and woke up crying and panicked.

My daughter says I still confuse her as I don't seem "real sick, just like someone with the flu". They know not to try and hug me on the side that the drains are on, just because I don't want to freak them out. My 10yo DD did feel the drain bottles through my shirt since she was curious and she agreed that she didn't want to feel them during a hug.

My Mom has been staying with us, taking care of us. I think she is going home today, her husband needs her, he can't figure out the remote control!

My oldest daughter (12yo) is much more quiet and reserved, she is harder to tell how she is doing. She did say "Good morning my lop-sided mommy", so I replied, "Good morning my symmetrical daughter". We chuckled and that felt good.

Monday, October 5, 2009


Day 3 post op report:

Yesterday was pretty good, but I stayed up too much during the day and started to crash about 5PM and my Mom grounded me, made me stay on the couch and took my cell phone. (good mom).

Got a shower yesterday, unbandaged, tried to wear stuff that conceals the drains but that just isn't happening. My drains did have belt loops, so that is the best way right now. The laynard worked well for the shower. The fanny pack was just too big and bulky.

My arm burns when I first get out of bed. And it burns when I do too much. Reaching across my body was hard, like putting make-up on the opposite eye and wiping after toileting is not comfortable but it is do-able.

I have ugly tiger striped looking bruises from the tape high on my chest, I would have to stay totally buttoned up to hide those.

My goal for today is to keep moving, but take more frequent breaks so I don't get as bad as I got last night,

Doctor's appt tomorrow.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Woke up in my own bed this morning, did get a little bit of uninteruppted sleep.

My plan for the day is to get bandages off. I figure there will be a nice dose of valium for that procedure. I look like I am wearing a bullet proof vest. No way around it, that part is going to suck. I can't imagine what I am going to look like under all these bandages.

The blue smurf pee has stopped (side effect from dye they used to find lymph node). Something is making me nauseated, either the pain meds,the pain or getting the anesthesia worked out.

So hopefully, I can get unbandaged, showered and wearing my fancy new camisole with built in boobs and pockets for drain bottles, before my daughters get home from their dads.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


Home from hospital, lymph node biopsy was positive so they were also removed. Apparently, chemo will be in my future.

I am allowed to remove bandages tomorrow, that terrifies me.

I think I am scared to go to sleep, everytime I wake up, I get more bad news.

Friday, October 2, 2009


Three hours until check in.

I try to say, it's just s surgery, you have been cut open before, you will be fine. But this is an amputation, nothing is going to be the same. Things will be Ok and there will be periods of greatness, just like before cancer. But they won't be the same.

This may be the biggest hurdle of my cancer fight and it may be the beginning of a much longer journey. This is just the first thing that I can actually do to try and save my life.

But great news, the CT scan was clear, no sign of anything in my lung!

Three hours, and I can't have coffee.

I feel like I should have some profound thoughts, but I don't, I will blame it on the lack of coffee.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

10-1-09 Good-bye boob

A letter to my right boob

I guess it was about 30 years ago that you came into my life. A sore little nubby that was exciting and disappointing and the same time. I remember when Mom took me for my first bra fitting and that old lady just treated you like an assembly line boob, not understanding what a big deal these little protrusions were to me.

We adapted through the teen years, you were probably very attractive back then wish I could remember better. A nice D cup that I tended to keep under wraps. I never wore fancy bras or low cut tops. I don’t think I was ashamed of you, I just kinda thought you were my private business and never felt comfortable with the low cut tops that women wore.

Remember the wedding dress fiasco? I wore a different bra for the fitting and so my fancy wedding night undergarment made the wedding dress fit differently. The lady who did the alterations was not pleased.

Good times and bad times we have had. The nipple crushing incident with the large cans of tomatoes- sorry about that. Being stepped on and rolled on by babies jumping on the bed – sorry about that, too. The whole breast feeding thing, sorry about the crappy parts of that, the thrush, the being raw, the breast pumping, it was all a necessary evil.

Speaking of the breastfeeding, I do appreciate you stepping up to the plate on that one. I felt like a failure after having C-sections and you helped me feel redeemed by becoming a breast feeding champ. The nerf ball size engorgement, the crazy bras, the funky clothes, we made it through it all. I remember the last time I nursed my youngest daughter. Thanks again for all that.

Remember that thing that the one guy did, pretty cool, that is a memory of you that I will always appreciate.

Remember the time I had to redirect the guy since you slid downhill since our last encounter, funny memory, but not quite as pleasant. But it wasn’t your fault, you fought gravity like a champ.

Oh and sorry for trying to make you do jumping jacks. Double D’s should not have to put up with that. But remember how funny the kids looked holding their chest. That is how they thought you were supposed to do jumping jacks.

Now we get to the lump part. That morning in the shower, that panic, the brief denial, doctors, tests, drills, and finally the diagnoses-Cancer. You were once a novelty, then a sexual organ, then a baby feeding machine, then you struggled against gravity to maintain an air of vital womanhood.

Now you are a tumor to be analyzed, handled by strangers, bruised, painful and about to hacked off in a cold operating room. Where I once suckled my children will be replaced by an ugly scar. Men used to feel you and get excited about what was to come, now men in lab coats feel you and their face drops and they wish me luck on the cancer journey.

I don’t hold it against you, we had a good run. I could have tried to have them carefully carve out the cancer and save some of you. Please don’t take it personally, you are not my friend anymore, you have to go. I will not subject myself and my children to long treatments to try and shrink your poison so I can have some of you left. You are just too far gone, in my opinion.

Thanks for the memories, the good the bad and the ugly. It is weird, I remember the “growing pains”, I remember the great naked times, I remember the breastfeeding sensation, and I am aware of the sensation of cancer cells growing in those ducts that once carried milk to my young. I kept feeling like I was lactating, but it was cancer cells filling up my breast. That weird arm rub women do when they are engorged, I did that because my breast was filling up the cancer.

You were a great tool, but now you are a liability. I am glad to have the memories I have but I need to make about 40 more years of memories. I mean no disrespect to you, but good riddance.

In about 24 hours you will be gone. Take all the crappy cancer with you please. Don’t leave anything behind. Right now, I do have good memories, so retract your claws and go peacefully.

I hate thinking of them cutting you off and plunking you in a cold stainless steel bowl for dissection. But you were once cradled nicely, oh I guess I shouldn’t blame you. You didn’t do this to me. But better a boob than a brain or something important.

So, bye boob, I’ll wear that hot pink bra you liked for you last day.


Nightmares last night about losing the children, as in driving around lookng for them. The alarm woke me up before I found them.