Wednesday, October 7, 2009

10-7-09 Morning

Two weeks and one day ago, I had a very normal, divorced mom of two, not rolling in the dough, worried about the car needing new tires, kind of life. I was planning on having all credit card debt paid off by the end of the year and thinking about some fix-it projects around the house.

Two weeks ago, I heard "Well, it is cancer".

I have had to tell my children and my family that I have cancer. I have had to take a crash course in cancer. My "google" history looks completely different now. I have had major surgery and look like a truck ran me over. I have tubes of body fluid strapped to my waist that I carefully measure.

Two weeks and one day ago, I was trying to learn to do pull ups and was getting very close. Today, I can't even get my fingertips to touch the pull up bar.

Two weeks ago and one day ago, I was going to get debt free and have my house paid off before I turned 50. Now I am hoping I get to 42 and receiving offers from loved ones if I lose my house and need shelter.

My vocabulary has changed, my wardrobe has changed, my internet search history has changed. My job, my finances, the stuff I mark on my calendar has changed. I was tracking weight watchers points and calories consumed. Now I track cc's of schmuck that come out of my mangled chest.

It is not all bad, my friendships have become richer and I have culled the dead weight of some relationships. I have an opportunity to look at things a little deeper than I did two weeks ago. I don't think I was a very shallow person to start with, but it all gets a little more intense after cancer gets introduced.

So I can use this to get more "earth mommy", enlightened, and peaceful. Or I guess I could become bitter, angry and get real old, real fast.

I am tired of "character building experiences".

The doc said "agressive" cancer, I don't like that either.

I haven't told the kids that mom still has cancer and must have chemo.

I want a tattoo that says "Fuck Character".

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