Thursday, November 11, 2010


My scan is scheduled for next Monday, the 15th. I will see Onc on the 18th for the results and for my IV treatment. I feel much better now, just getting that decision made. I have no idea what the big deal was, why did they even ask me if I wanted to scan? Why not just go ahead and do it like we had planned on in June? That would have saved me all this mental hamster wheel churning.

The fear is what is the worst. Treatments, surgery, side effects, all that sucks but is completely do-able. It is the fear that sucks the worst. And it is no as much fear for myself and what my future holds; it is more about what the kids are going to have to deal with. This has to be changing who they are.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I did call Onc's office and I spoke to the research nurse. She says that the increase in SUV could be a number of things, but that we biopsied Clyde and it was negative. Big Onc had already put in an order for a scan, though. So I will scan and see what we have.

This made me feel OK for about five minutes. Then, I realized that Clyde showed up at least a month AFTER the scan, after I started radiation. So are they saying that this blob was under the surface and once we radiated it, it came up to the outer layer and has plagued me since??

BUT... I just keep telling myself that my cancer registered at a 13.8 SUV, this mystery shit has gone from 3.0 to 4.8. So whatever it is, it is less potent than what I HAD.

BUT....I had an increase a month before I had the Clyde symptom. Maybe I am scared that no eyebrows were raised.

BUT...they knew I would be radiating the area, so maybe they didn't need to be concerned, stray shit would be radiated.

You see how this just goes around and around??


Turns out is not not easy to just "not worry". I saw the scan results, I can't un-see them. I don't think I will make it two more weeks before asking Big Onc. My appt with him is the 18th. Do I call and give him a heads up about my concern, see if he will discuss it over the phone??

A little scab thing formed over Clyde, I think it just got poked too much the week I saw Onc and Plastic Surgeon. The scab feel off this morning and now there is a slight opening that is a tad weepy. Just the slightest bit, I wouldn't normally think twice about it. But....since this is in the radiated, crispy, pork rind section of my body, I have visions of it growing into a large necrotic wound.

And.... I was having "adult relations" this weekend. I was on top and his hands reached for my breasts. There was that split second of hesitation as he decided where to put the second hand. I doubt he realized it, but I did. I won't mention it, I do believe that men don't like having to spend time reassuring women. the lack of a breast is probably less of an issue than my potential insecurity about it.

I did ask him about his opinion on reconstruction after I saw Plastics guy. I said he was in an interesting position of being able to have input on creating his dream boobs. He seemed indifferent...could that be? Is no boob preferable to a Franken-boob?

Questionable scans, weepy pork rind sores, Franken-boobs....oh yea, no worries.

Friday, November 5, 2010


I just reviewed my calendar. So far this year, I have had 85 doctor's appointments.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


The PET scan stuff has me a little bummed. But, the positive is that my June number was 4.8, my number last year was that was in the right direction.

I keep saying I am going to just chill out and not worry about it until I see Big Onc on the 18th. That might be asking a little much of myself. Maybe I will give him a call and see if he will give me a little more info.

Cancer Sucks.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I have received and reviewed the PET scan results with my completely untrained eyes. The last scan was on 6/2/10 which they compared to the one on 1/29/10. Keep in mind my surgery was 10/2/09. The last scan was post all chemo, but prior to radiation. Listed in the Opinion section, it reads: " Interval increase in level of hypermetabolic activity in the medial aspect of the right pectoralis major muscle in the parasternal area compared to the prior exam This is suspicious for site of residual/recurrent carcinoma".

In the text of his finding, he states that that the S.U.V is now 4.8 as compared to 3.0 on the prior scan. I don't know what as S.U.V is (in radiology terms), but this sounds like more of whatever it is, to me.

To me, it seems completely unreasonable that I would have more "surgical changes" 8 months after surgery than I did three months after surgery.

I am thinking I should scan and see what radiation did, unless the radiation is going to give a false result.

But at least now, I can have an informed conversation with the Big Onc.

Ha Ha, spell check loved this post!

Monday, November 1, 2010


I have just been blah today, maybe coming off a chocolate high from the kids' Halloween haul. I received an email about a little "class", lecture, meeting thingee at the YMCA Breast Cancer group about depression after cancer. Since I had just woken up from an odd nap, I thought, "Maybe I am depressed, I should go to this meeting."

The speaker gave a nice talk called "Pink Mourning", (gag gag). His take on things didn't bother me, I came away with some little nuggets that may come in handy. But man, I hate this freaking pink shit! The leader of the group in very pink, perky AND pink. She is very Rah Rah, let's all beat cancer and be all perky and happy. The lady in front of me was bummed since she is getting ready to start another round of chemo, she is in permenant treatment mode, I assume she has mets.

Sometimes, there is not a need for the pink pom-poms. Sometimes a hug and a "that really sucks" is more helpful.

I think I keep trying to embrace the pink since it bothers me so much, I figure there must be some issue I need to resolve. I am not a sorority kinda gal, I just never had female friends, maybe I should find a testicular cancer group.

But I will keep knocking on those pink doors, there has to be a group of grumpy ladies out there that I will fit in with.

Oh, I called PET scan place, they won't send me the scan reports. You would think that since I signed the release, I should be able to get them released to me....assholes. But, I called Onc's and they will send me reports so I can compare and contrast before next IV.

So that is my plan, look at scans reports, see what weirdness they are following and whether it sounds like they all think they are surgical changes (like did they show up immediately after surgery or did the weirdness show up on a later scan). I don't claim to know more than any doctor, but Onc didn't recall the location of the weirdness and whether it was in the same spot as Clyde. So he can review, I will review and we can make a plan.


Pinktober is OVER!!! Yeah!

I am contemplating two issues: whether to have the PET scan and whether to do the reconstruction. So I will lay my thoughts out here and see if I can get a clear picture.

Re: PET scan

I have not been declared cancer free but I am in a good mental space with that. If I were finally declared cancer free, would I stop worrying...probably not. If I were declared stable or no change in the chest spot, would that change anything...I may feel frustrated that I don't have a clear answer. If something new lights up...well that would suck.

I guess the sticking point is that damn area in the chest. I swear the doc said that it was consitant with surgical changes but it seems odd that it showed up well after the surgery. I had scans in between surgery and the weird spot that no weirdness showed up.

If it has always been there, I could assume surgical changes but it wasn't mentioned at my prechemo scan.

I guess the prudent thing to do would be get the report on all my scans and pretend like I know what I am reading to see what they have said. Ha ha, or I could trust the Big Onc and is judgement. I have no symptoms, I could just let this good mental space continue.

It is all a mental game anyway. My reality is good right now, why muck that up with the facts.

Re: recon

Again, I am in a good space, why mess it up. I could live like this forever. I am scared that I would get really bad results and regret the loss of muscle. If it came out cosmetically bad, I could always have it cut back off. BUT, I do not think they could reconnect the muscle. The plastic surgeon said that he would lift droopy boob and make new boob to match. Gravity would still affect old boob and over time it would start drooping again and I would want it relifted. And, since I am so young, at some point I would need the implant switched out. (It is nice that I may have a longer shelf life than the implant, outlive the implant could be my new goal.)

But, I can stop mentally masturbating about the recon if I want to, I can't have it done until after the first of the year due to the radiation. After the first, I could see what my finances are like, see if I can afford to take time off work.

I also don't have to do anything about the scan, ignorance can be bliss.