Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I went to the eye doctor guy to get an new scrip for glasses as mine were about eight years old. He said my pressure in one eye was alarmingly high and suggested I see an opthalmologist to check for glaucoma. I immediately assume brain tumor as how unlucky could I be to have cancer and glaucoma.

I followed up with the opthalmologist and was diagnosed with ocular hypertension, the precursor to glaucoma. Thankfully, there has not been damage to my optic nerve and they have started me on glaucoma meds to prevent further problems. Unfortunately, it is not the fun smoke-able glaucoma meds they joke about on TV.

On the positive side, I am going to assume that the eyeball thing is what has caused my weird head feeling that I have had for the past 6 weeks or so. I put in my new glaucoma drops last night assuming that I would wake up without a headache. It kind of worked, I am not as fuzzy feeling. Maybe the meds, maybe the power of suggestion...

I am also wondering if I am allowing myself to feel like crap to ward of the big bad shit. When I was diagnosed, I had finally started giving a damn, losing weight, working out, thinking about some long term plans. Then, the big C hit. This winter, it seems that I tried to start feeling a little positive, getting back into the grove and ended up in the hospital.

Maybe, I am subconsciously staying blah since that seems to keep me under the radar and away from the shitty stuff. Stay miserable and you won't notice when the shit hits the fan...yeah, that is great logic.

I still haven't made an appointment with the therapist!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I did not have a headache. I had become pretty sure that I had a brain tumor, but since I had no headache yesterday, that means no tumor. (At least in my mind, and reality is fluid depending on the facts at hand. )

That news reporter...Serene Branson that had some sort of episode during the Grammy Awards???? That is my fear, that brain short circuit when I am supposed to be accountable. I am usually with a child or a patient, there is not many opportunities for a "convenient" brain thing. They have not said what happened to Ms Branson, all very anti-climactic.

I took the kids to a cancer support for kids thing last night. They were not thrilled. After hearing the other kids share their families cancer cliff notes, my children said that my cancer was not very dramatic. Hmmm, do they forget so soon, did I shield them well or was it just a very boring cancer tour of duty?

Thursday, February 10, 2011


I had my last IV Herceptin treatment yesterday. I don't think I did it right, I was supposed to be all happy and jolly that it was my last infusion. Instead, I felt like I imagine the inmate does after DNA clears him and he is released with a "Sorry, we screwed up, go live a life".

So I spent all this time and energy fighting to live and now I need to go out and....live.

I think my problem may be in what I assume they mean by live. I think I assume they mean that I am supposed to be like the women in tampon commercials, all dancing on the beach, running in the forest, rolling around on white sheets.

Tampon commercial moments....those are what I am missing from my life.

I have even considered the "fake it till you make it" theory of life. But, what if all these people out there are also faking it, trying to look like the tampon commercials.

So now I am crocheting doilies. I don't need doilies. They just keep me busy. While I wait.

I feel a break through coming on.