Sunday, January 31, 2010


I was snowed in yesterday, even though there are many days that I don't leave the house, I hate days where I can't leave the house. So today, I run out and the sun is shining and I am thinking "It feels great to be alive". Then I groan, I don't want to be one of those people that say things like that. Plus, being alive is all we know, I can't imagine death feels bad, that wouldn't seem fair.

So, it was a great day to be vertical.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Before my diagnoses, I started watching my weight and lost 15% of my body. This was a good thing. Then a surgeon hacks of 1% of my body and this is a bad thing. That is interesting to me. I wonder whether it is because it was a boob I lost or whether it was because it was due to cancer. If I had lost a boob due to a car wreck, would it be the same? If I lost a lung (not sure how much a lung weighs)to cancer, would it be the same?

On a different note, I watched "Up" with the kids last night. Very interesting.... At the end of the movie, I was bummed since the wife was dead and the kid's Dad was an asshole. But my 10 year pointed out that "at least they have each other" (the old guy and the kid). I was pleased that she could find the silver lining but I had to contemplate my definition of "happy ending".

When to let go of your dreams, when dreams become an unhealthy obsession (as with the explorer guy), moving on and creating a new life with the blessings you have instead of being bitter about what you have lost.

I wonder if the boob and the old guy's house have anything in common?

Monday, January 25, 2010


Just had my echocardiogram, no official confirmation but tech hinted that all looked good. PET scan Friday at 12:30, that mean NO COFFEE Friday morning. Injecting me with radioactive crap is bad enough but let me have my morning coffee.

Saw someone today I had not seen in a long time, confessed to having cancer, teared up.

Having alot of Mom guilt, not about My Mom, but as me as a mother. I wish I had a more functional relationship with the kids' Dad. We divorced a few years ago and we don't speak, pretty much don't speak at all. It is hard to think that I may not survive their childhood and the "passing of the parental torch" will not be all warm and fuzzy. I would love to repair that relationship, make it more functional, but I don't know if he is amenable to that. If my PET scan is worse, I will try to initiate contact with him regarding the possibility of his having to finish the raising of the children.

Which leads me to wonder about if the PET scan is better. Then, do I not try to have more functional relationships with the few people that I am at odds with? (Two people to be exact). My diagnoses has made me very aware of the truth and of true sharing of feelings. I have decided that if I am worse, then I will put myself out there to try and fix these relationships. If I am better, do I just not bother??

That makes no sense. These dysfunctional relationships cause me discomfort, I should try to fix them. But, I have to realize my limitations and I don't get to be the boss of anyone but myself.

I think I need therapy.

But, for now, the kids and I are going to eat to celebrate the end of chemo week and that Mom is vertical today.

Monday, January 18, 2010


Hopefully, I just had my last AC treatment. Chemo sucks, and that is all I have to say about that (with Forrest Gump accent).

The photographer was there, as was my Mom, didn't bother telling Mom I did a bald and boobless portrait as she can't even handle seeing me bald. So now there are pics of me being injected with shit that kills stuff in my body, the good stuff and the bad stuff. But the oncology nurse said my counts were good, my blood counts rebound nicely even if I feel like crap.

I had an interesting mental thing when we decided to take pictures of chemo. Even though this stranger has seen me bald, scarred, naked, boobless, weird looking, etc. it was not as personal as chemo is. Sharing chemo is...intimate. It makes me wonder how Mom is holding up since she insists on going with me, which I am thankful for.

Maybe that is why she buzzes around, making small talk with the patients and nurses, crochets and flips through magazines. She keeps her distance from what is happening. Or maybe I am just being dramatic. I wish I could nap through chemo like some do.

Friday, January 15, 2010


Yesterday I did a photo shoot bald and boobless. It is part of my process of dealing with who I am during this phase of my life. I took my plaster cast of my precancer boobs as a prop for the shoot. My kids had never seen the cast before. They saw it last night.

They think I am a freak. It hurt my feelings. My 10yo DD is confused by how I am dealing with this. I think she even said I seem to be enjoying cancer. That hurt, bad. I explained that I am not enjoying this but it is my life right now and I am going to experience it. I will not curl up in the fetal position wishing this away, it won't work.

I woke up still very bummed that my kids think I am a freak. I phoned a friend, dumped my emotional load on him. By the end of the conversation, it became clear to me that this might not be a cancer issue. She is 10, of course she thinks her Mom is an embarrassing freak, it is what 10yo are supposed to think.

They don't know that I bared my scars in the pictures, they think it was just about being bald. I won't show them the pics, they would need too much therapy.

They have never seen my scars, they never saw my boobs, they don't need to see the absence of boobage.

My boob cast is back in the closet where it has been, this whole conversation could have been avoided by a strategically placed trash bag. Live and learn.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Yesterday was pretty good, went to work, able to feel normal. Went shopping and bought my first push-up bra! (It is for a project I am doing, more on that later). I chuckled about thinking if there were security cameras in the dressing room, they must have gotten quite a shock seeing the woman with one boob trying on push-up bras.

I then went to the make-up counter looking for something to help with my eyebrow situation, the lady working there ignored me. Does that mean I am so stunning that she can't help me or that there is not enough paint in the world to help my situation??

Weekends are weird. My kids are at their Dad's and I let myself think more about cancer. During the week, I try to stay in optomistic Mom mode, on the weekends I have the freedom to contemplate. I need a new mode, cancer mode sucks.

My hands are cold all the time, that must be chemo related. My temperature never hits 98.6, I am always in the 97s, sometimes the 96s. This morning, one hand was freezing, the other was warm. This caused me great concern for a minute, until I realized the warm hand was the one I was drinking coffee with. Whew, another tumor magically avoided!

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Yesterday was a tad better, a tad, a small amount. I napped, I wonder if napping actually helps or if it is just what I have to do when I can't move anymore. Kids cooked dinner again last night, chicken tenders and heated up beans. Less scary than stove top pasta and draining it. I did nap before the dinner so I was awake during the cooking, I feel a tad less neglectful, a tad, a small amount.

The Christmas tree is still up, I just don't have the gumption to pack it up, or even supervise the packing up.

Next week should be better, then I have my last "red devil" on the 18th. I assume I will feel worse than I do this round. One more month, one more month.

Then I PET scan and they decide on the next cocktail of poison. The next cocktail will be better, because I said so.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Crappy day yesterday. Went to Walmart for post chemo week restock. Became very weak and dizzy while there. My children were there with me, went over the drill if I pass out, who to call, stay with my purse so no one steals it if I fall out in the aisle. I called a local friend, who thankfully, was out and about with her husband. They came to the store and drove me home.

The kids put up all the groceries while I rested and cooked themselves dinner as I slept. They didn't pop something in the microwave, the cooked on the stove top and toaster oven, popcorn shrimp and macaroni. My 10 yo did later say that according to the food channel, fish and cheese do not bode well together, but kids like it.

This sucks, even though my kids are 10 and 12, they should not have to be taking care of themselves or be scared that Mom can't drive them home. I did rouse enough to clean up the kitchen with them and thank them for being so responsible.

My 10 yo is afraid I will die in my sleep. We have had a very honest conversation about me not dropping dead anytime soon and if that were to become a possibility, we would know it is getting close. It is not close.

Please let my upcoming PET scan show progress, for me, not the cancer. One more chemo until I can get scanned and see whose winning.

This bites.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


Morbid thought for the day: You only know you have beat cancer when you drop dead of something else.


Being moody, don't like that.

Last night as I was driving, I had that moment of panic, what if it wasn't cancer. What if this was all a mistake. It took about 5 seconds to remind myself that there were pathology reports and that many, many people have been involved in my case and I definitely have cancer.

Denial is such an interesting thing.

I follow another breast cancer blog, she seems to be having a hard time. She was so funny and perky and now I hear the blah in her post. That makes me sad. I should give myself a break for being blah sometimes, this stuff sucks.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


$%!$@^#* Now my eyelashes are coming out! There is a chunk missing in the middle of my left eye. My right eyebrow has already started to insist on some creativity, but I am still working with my brown eyeshadow and my eyebrow comb-over. But this eyelash thing %$*&^%$@.

You know Michael Jackson's Thriller video, when the zombies came back and they are oozing and body parts are falling off?? That is what I feel like when looking in the mirror sometimes, let's see what body part is oozing or missing today!

Friday, January 1, 2010


Happy New Year! The kids and I managed to stay awake until the ball dropped, which was quite a feat. Both of the kids are sickly, stuffy and snotty. I am all chemo-ed up. But I set an alarm for 10:30 PM and we were all awake to bring in the new year together.

So do I make New Years resolutions? I would like to stay alive, but I am not sure I get to be the boss of that. Whether I go down a jean size or keep my closet cleaner, well, that doesn't seem as important anymore. There is an interesting mindset, do I plan on living or do I plan on dying. Do I waste time thinking about goals that only matter if I live to a ripe old age. Or do I spend my time living like I was dying. The song sounds good, but it is really not practical to go sky diving and Rocky Mountain climbing if you are going to live a long time and need to build up your savings account.

Maybe chunks of goals are good, get through this round of chemo and find out what the PET scan says. Kind of like the Magic 8 Ball of cancer.

Good news is a new insurance year starts today! I keep getting bills for stuff they didn't cover since I went over my maximum treatments and the new year starts the ticker over again!