1-26-10

Just had my echocardiogram, no official confirmation but tech hinted that all looked good. PET scan Friday at 12:30, that mean NO COFFEE Friday morning. Injecting me with radioactive crap is bad enough but let me have my morning coffee.

Saw someone today I had not seen in a long time, confessed to having cancer, teared up.

Having alot of Mom guilt, not about My Mom, but as me as a mother. I wish I had a more functional relationship with the kids' Dad. We divorced a few years ago and we don't speak, pretty much don't speak at all. It is hard to think that I may not survive their childhood and the "passing of the parental torch" will not be all warm and fuzzy. I would love to repair that relationship, make it more functional, but I don't know if he is amenable to that. If my PET scan is worse, I will try to initiate contact with him regarding the possibility of his having to finish the raising of the children.

Which leads me to wonder about if the PET scan is better. Then, do I not try to have more functional relationships with the few people that I am at odds with? (Two people to be exact). My diagnoses has made me very aware of the truth and of true sharing of feelings. I have decided that if I am worse, then I will put myself out there to try and fix these relationships. If I am better, do I just not bother??

That makes no sense. These dysfunctional relationships cause me discomfort, I should try to fix them. But, I have to realize my limitations and I don't get to be the boss of anyone but myself.

I think I need therapy.

But, for now, the kids and I are going to eat to celebrate the end of chemo week and that Mom is vertical today.