Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Another wonderful day in the war zone. Surgeon's ofice calls this morning, chest x-ray looks funky, need to rush in for a CT scan before surgery Friday. So I get that done and now will wait for a call from the doctor telling me what is up with my lung.

At this point, I start getting pissed. Not for me, but for my kids. This should not be the kinda stuff they should have to deal with. When I get mad, I want to chop down trees and stuff, really whack at something. So, we head of to the batting cage, where else can you swing at stuff so cheaply. Three dollars got me 45 pitches and I only missed one. Each of those balls represented those bleepy cancer cells. (Don't remind me that the one I missed may be the one that gets me.) That is only the second time in my life I have been in a batting cage, the first time was divorce anger management. Other than that, I haven't pick up a bat since elementary school.

I also did the go karts. My 10yo DD got to drive her own for the first time. I don't know if the kids were as into as I was, but I really needed a change of brain chemistry. We had a nice dinner, got the last of the pre-surgery grocery shopping done (I won't be able to drive for a week).

I am tired, not feeling like I am getting anything done and feel like this cancer is eating me alive. Give me a knife and I will start hacking at it myself. (I am sure the insurance company would love that!)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

9-29-09 continued

Did my pre-ops at the hospital, not pleasant.

People keep telling me that G-d will get me through this, but if I don't make it through this, does that mean that my faith is lacking? I do feel that I can use faith to give me strength to get through this, but I don't like the implication that only the "worthy" make it through to being cancer-free.

I mowed the yard today, that felt good, a "normal Melinda" activity. I usually do some good thinking on the mower. I had a decent cry, did some mourning and then went on about my business. I did have the crappy realization that this surgery may not be the end of this mess, but may be just the beginning.

I didn't like that.

There is a lot of "hurry up and wait", rush to get this test, then wait....rush to this procedure, then wait....rush to surgery, the wait for the path reports to tell me if I have more treatment in my future.

The path report, the paper that outlines the future about that?


Early morning trying to resolve more insurance issues. But I think I have done everything possible on the insurance front, so now I just cross my fingers.

My older sister came to sit with the kids this morning, it was a wonderful surprise and saved me from having to tote four children with me for this appointment. It also gave me a chance to show her the prep stuff I had ready for post surgery. She said I seemed a little manic. I guess I am, I just keep trying to do as much as possible thinking it will improve the outcome of this whole situation.

The reality is, no matter how well my freezer is stocked or how well everything is labeled or how organized my files are, I have cancer and I may be in for a really bad time.

Monday, September 28, 2009


Busy day today, trying to get something going with my insurance issues. On the insurance front, there is good news and bad news. The details are boring and the stress with continue tomorrow.

On the crappy cancer front, I received a copy of one of the initial pathology reports and I am ER and PR negative, which is not good news. UNLESS, it has not metastized. As long as it is in the breast, which is coming off anyway, hopefully the ER/PR status won't matter.

I made the mistake of doing some googling after seeing my path report, I saw alot of "You are going to die" things. Well, they didn't really say that, but that is what I saw. So I will stay in delusional land that it is only in the breast and when the breast is gone, so shall the cancer be gone.

A friend from church called and wants to bring meals, that is what you do for dying people, I don't like that.

I have struggled with trying to fight this efficiently, a big one, two, TKO. Taking it step by step is not my strong suit. Today, I am prepared to have the entire right side of my body amputated, remove and destroy any contaminated areas.

I was in a house when the clothes dryer caught fire. I realized today that the main thing is get the fire out. No one called Sears for a replacement while the dryer was aflame. No one considered laying new tile on the floor to repair the damage while the dryer burned. First step, call 911, get the fire extinguisher and stop the fire.

So as much as I would like to TKO this thing and call it a day, I realize that we must put the fire out, check the electrical, check the lint vent, once that is all clear, then we can repair the cosmetic damage and get a dryer. I am not patient.

On a wonderful note, I did finally make contact with a human being that may help me. She is the "Breast Health Navigator" at the hospital and helped steer me in the right direction on my insurance issues. Plus, she has a handout of the exercises I will be able to do for rehab and a handy little camisole with a nice cushy fake boob sewed it for after surgery. My children are concerned about seeing me with a "cyclop boob" so having something while I wait for the "foob" (which you wear in your bra) will make everyone more comfortable.

The clock is ticking fast, pre-op tomorrow at the hospital, another appointment about the insurance issue and another day will be gone.

Should I have made a "bucket list" for my boob?

Sunday, September 27, 2009


My right breast and I have four days left together. I will have a mastectomy on Friday 10/2. Everything has happened pretty quickly, with lumps, doctors, drills and diagnoses. We don't have alot of info, but what we do know is that I have cancer in my breast, IDC, invasive ductal carcinoma. How invansive remains to be seen. I will know more after the surgery.

Today, a good friend assisted me in making a plaster cast of my torso. It is not a great looking torso, but it is mine and it will never look like this again.
After it has dried well, I will sand it and paint it. I don't know whether to paint the tumor area on it or paint it as it was during happier times.
Frankly, it is all overwhelming, my brain deals with small chucks at a time.

Today I kept replaying that line from "Silence of the Lambs", where the bad guy is saying something about "It applies the lotion to its skin". I guess I was thinking about post mastectomy skin care in prep for reconstruction in the future.

I think I may have developed an unhealthy detachment from my breast. I have trouble saying "I have cancer", I tend to say "It is cancer", like it's the boob's problem, not mine. Get rid of the boob and the problem is gone.