Tuesday, August 24, 2010


First of all, as I typed in today's date, I realized it is my father's birthday. He passed away when I was 18. I miss you Dad.

As I typed in "father", I didn't capitalize it....when I type in "Mother", I capitalize it, it is a proper noun when I am referring to my Mom. But "Father" sounds like I am talking about God when I capitalize it. Hmmm, my weird brain.

OK, I saw surgeon and he was prepared to cut out Clyde, scalpel was on the table. But, after looking me over again, he has now decided that Clyde is a blop of necrotic tissue caused by radiation that my body will reabsorb. OK, I'll buy that. It doesn't sound appealing, like I need maggot therapy or something to eat this dead thing sitting on my chest.

He is leery about cutting since I am all radiated and may not heal. Then, I would have an open wound which could be very problematic in my immunocompromised state.

So, Clyde and I cohabitate in this body until my little white blood cells eat him.

The kids and I are going through another transition. I have been sick for a long time, all chemo-ing and stuff, I have let so much slip by as far as doing chores and things like that. My first priority was the homeschooling, so if I didn't get the corners clean, that was OK as long as I was vertical long enough for school time.

I am starting to feel better, ready to start scrubbing the corners. The kids are not thrilled, they have become used to a Mom that naps and leaves them alone. They say I was nicer during chemo.

I need to find a happy medium, slowly integrating a new system into our household. Since it is just the kids and I, we can make any rules we want. We discussed this over lunch yesterday. One rule they would like imposed is storing the ketchup in the cabinet, not the fridge. They really enjoy restaurant ketchup since it is room temperature.

I am stressed out about the state of the union in my home and family dynamic and they just want warm ketchup.

Why does ketchup say "refrigerate after opening" but all restaurants leave it on the table all the time?

In the back of my mind, I am freaking out a little about all this cancer business. There have been a couple of deaths recently and it is scary how quickly this shit can turn for the worse.

I need to find that balance of living in the moment while being aware of how quickly this can go to hell and being prepared for that.

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