12-28-10

I think I am having an odd freak out thing going. So I will write it here and not worry my family with it.

I don't feel well, my breathing is getting better but I am doing the breathing treatments often and I don't want that to be the way it is for the rest of my life. I don't know if crunchy lung cilia will refresh....

This morning, my left eyeball went weird, I can't diagnose that, I am eyeball illiterate. The left side of my left eye was very bright and flashing. Not those floaters, but weird bright light. Since a brain tumor is my big fear, that freaked me out.

I am exhausted, I feel off and I don't think there can be anything wrong since I am pretty recently scanned. Except the brain, which they don't look at.

But here is the sucky part.... I just had this feeling that I could be OK with being done. I did the shit year....trudged through the treatment, did the single mom cancer bit. It sucked, we made it. The kids have nice bedrooms, they had a good Christmas. I think I have managed to get all my crap into one room so if I kick off, they can just load up a truck and empty this one room of my oddities.

I met a great guy, had some nice lovin'. I have bonded with my Mom and my older sister. I am still estranged from my younger sister and see no hope of that changing. My ex-husband and I seem cool, although we don't talk often (but that works). The kids are getting closer to their Dad and that is wonderful.

I don't know if I am depressed, scared or what. I don't feel depressed, just tired, physically and mentally.

I guess I need a therapy tune up. I haven't seen the shrink in a while. That would be a productive thing to do.