4-14-10

The kids and I were at dinner, discussing the end of chemo coming up. I asked what we should do to celebrate.

12yo daughter suggested a lemon cake. Frankly, I was think bigger, like going skydiving.

12yo daughter said, it would be a shame to survive chemo only to be killed in a skydiving accident.

She said "No one dies from lemon cake".

4-13-10

Getting ready to go to chemo #9 and I am tired, really tired.

I was too tired yesterday after watching the two year old all day, to go to the grocery store. So this morning, I don't have a biscuit to make for breakfast. That is sad, I have little that I enjoy, foodwise, and I do love that biscuit.

I also realized I can no longer take the stairs all day at work. It is only two floors, but I just can't go up and down dozens of times a day like I used to. So I took the elevator, and I think I feel asleep since I heard a snore, I feel asleep standing up in an elevator going up one floor.

But this too shall pass...right???

4-9-10

I have had five medical appointments this week. I am tired and want to relax. So, it is Friday evening, I don't have to see any doctors for a few days. The phone rings and it is the automated service to remind me of my next chemo. They call every freaking Friday night, that just makes me crazy. Let me have my little cancer free weekend.

I had one of those experiences that I find amusing, but I am odd. Someone is telling me how brave breast cancer survivors are and how we are the strongest women they know, yada, yada, yada. First, I don't love the term "survivor", I am not sure I am a cancer survivor until I die of something else. Second, I am not brave, I just show up.

Brave, to me, that sounds like you walked into danger for the greater good. I did not do that. I was minding my own business when cancer opened fire on me. What the hell else am I supposed to do but grab a gun and fire back??

And it seems to be that us "cancer survivors" are expected to be more profound thinkers than the general public. That since we have come face to face with our mortality, that we should be more grounded. I am of the opinion that we are very normal, some of us are assholes, some of us are enlightened, we are just people with a lot more doctors appointments than most.

Unless I missed out on something. Do they hand you the pathology report and also attach the secret to inner peace? My pathology report was missing that page.

My path report, the report of my path.... I commented on this a long time ago. Maybe I was supposed to get the Ghandi page. But I didn't... who is collating this stuff?

4-8-10

Bad day today.

I met with a plastic surgeon for my fact finding mission. There was no good news to be had, there. He is suggesting a Lat Flap where they rip perfectly good muscles off your back, twist them around the front to make a boob out of.

When I asked how this would affect strength and range of motion, he said that I probably would not be able to get my arm all the way up over my head, but how often do I need my arm all the way up?

Well, since my arm tends to swell, I find myself with my arm up over my head quite often. Hell, I have a rope hanging over my desk so I can reach up there several times a day and hang my arm up over my head.

Apparently, my pectoral muscle is pretty screwed up and not a good candidate for an implant only. I guess that is what that large dent in my chest is.

So, when you hear someone has cancer, please, please, don't say "At least you get perky new boobs out of this".

He said to come back six months after radiation is finished and we'll have a better idea of what my option are. I asked if there was anything I could do to maintain skin integrity until then. He said "Find a good radiology oncologist".

Gee, thanks.

4-7-10

Good day today.

I saw the lymphedema therapist and she worked on me for over an hour. When I left there, the chicken cutlet feeling thing under my armpit was noticeably smaller, really smaller! I could put my arm down next to my body, how cool is that!

(It has puffed up a little over the course of the day, but for an hour or two, I could actually feel my ribs).

Then, I went and visited a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I talked to her a few months back, but I never mentioned the cancer. I enjoyed the phone call without cancer. So today, I show up on her doorstep, bald. After explaining all the cancer stuff she did mention that she would not have been shocked had I shaved my head for some other reason.

This just really surprises me. That I put out that kind of vibe. It doesn't offend me, just surprises me. To me, I am the most boring, soccer momish, mini-van driving person I know. (Except my kids don't play soccer and I don't drive a mini-van...maybe my perceived image is really just in my head).

Anyway, if the I live for awhile, I think I may take the course to be a lymphemdema therapist. I would love to make someone feel like I felt today for a few hours.

3-4-10

Happy Easter!

Had a crappy day yesterday. I learned that one of the nursing home patients died-of breast cancer. She was in her 60's, which is young in nursing home standards. She found out she had cancer a month ago, found out it had spread two weeks ago, and it now dead.

Hmmm, I have told my kids that no one drops dead from breast cancer, that you have warning, you have time to to prepare for it. I wrote about this before when the lady from "Survivor" died and reading about how quickly the actress who played the mom on "Eight is Enough" died. I wonder if a couple of weeks is long enough to let your family wrap their brain around your impending demise.

Of course, I could get hit by a truck tomorrow, or get shot and my foob won't deflect the bullet, blah blah blah.

I am concerned what happens to you mentally when you get comfortable with your mortality. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst, I think that is what my oncologist said. Plan... prepare... those are both action words. There was no "hope for the best". It was more of a cover all your bases. That is such a weird way to think. Do you put money away for retirement or take that vacation on your bucket list? If you have to make a choice, which do you do?

I am getting a little tax return. I think I will use a rule of thirds. One third for long term survival, one third for five year survival and one third to improve quality of life today. I need to play the lottery more, so I can cover my bases, better.

Here is a moment to remember the nursing home lady, you had a great laugh and sparkly eyes. I wish you Godspeed, I assume there are no wheelchairs in Heaven. I remember how kind you were to your former roommate who was on hospice care. I hope that someone was looking out for you they same way during your brief transition period. Here's to you Mrs S.

4-3-10

I was wondering if I got shot in the chest, would my foob soften the blow of the bullet any??

Bloody nose this morning, that is new. Tingling in fingers is increasing but not bad enough to stop chemo, in my opinion.

My ass keeps growing bigger. Chemo mouth and lack of self control, eating what doesn't taste like dryer lint. But I have changed to No-Salt. I was salting so much I figured I would die of high blood pressure before the cancer gets me.