8-28-10

The day after my last post, I saw Rad Onc. He was shocked that I am still toting Clyde around, he feels very strongly that I have it removed. I asked the receptionist if Rad Onc was normally so pessimistic, she didn't have an answer.

Thursday, I went for my IV infusion, so I talked to Big Onc about Clyde. I said I just needed a plan. So, we have a plan. On September 17th, Surgeon will be seen, he may biopsy Clyde with every one's blessing. That gives me a good 6 weeks after radiation to try and have a chance for good wound healing.

That is why we haven't biopsied yet, radiated tissue doesn't heal well. The nurse told me of a patient that spent 53 days in hospital from a radiated wound that wouldn't heal. 53 days in hospital!! I can't even imagine what would happen if I had to face a long hospitalization like that. Who would move in and take care of my kids, who would take care of the babies I babysit, no work, no money.... so I need to heal.

So at least now we have a plan. Perhaps Clyde will be gone by then. He is turning a little dark, that is weird. If he is necrotic tissue, what if it eats through my skin. My sister pointed out that it may be dark from bruising as people have been poking at him all week, I like that theory.

I have asked work to start giving me more patients. I need to assume that I am getting better and need to find my new normal. Before cancer, I was on the fast track to get out of debt, paying off everything with the intention of being debt free by the age of 50 (including student loan and hopefully the house). The past year, nothing has happened except more debt, more interest and student loan in deferment for the year. I am so grateful that I was able to defer my student loan. Not making that payment freed up my meager salary for food and electricity.

But, my year of deferment is almost up, my treatments are pretty much over except for my IV tri-weekly. Time to believe that this is behind me and get back on track.

Which makes me wonder what the lesson to be learned in all this is. I feel like I was snatched out of my life, put through a meat grinder for a year and now I am plopped back into my life. The past year, interest has accrued, paint has pealed, yard has become overgrown, and now I need to hop back in and repair all the damage in my meat grinded state.

I have learned to be in the moment a little better, but that is only because my chemo brain can only focus on one thing. I have learned to crochet, not sure that is a life changing skill. My kids have become a more independent once I nag them. I do make more eye contact with people, one of my patients said I really seemed "plugged in" to my patients, I notice things that a lot of people don't.

I want to be all enlightened and spewing inner peace. And I would like it now, damn it. Tee hee.