Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Feeling better every day, haven't napped in over a week. I even walked up the stairs at work a time or two this weekend! That is a big deal, I used to always take the stairs and towards the end of chemo, I had to ride the elevator up everytime. I have also worked out at the Y twice, a very wimpy workout, but it is progress.

I am also proud of myself for using my sleeve. I have had to turn the car around twice after forgetting it, but I am actually following medical advice and using my sleeve when doing activties with that arm or at work. I have used the push mower, did my upper body workout and worked at the nursing home with my sleeve and have had no noticeable swelling- Go Me!!

I went to a new support group meeting last night. It is not a breast cancer group, it is a generic cancer group. Very small, all cancers, all stages, pretty cool, but I cried a little. I may need to cry occasionally, I might sleep better. I am realizing that I do spend a lot of energy trying to portray the "fine-ness" of everything. People really don't want to hear how crappy things are, it makes them feel helpless...and scared. I think people want me to be "fine" so they know that they too, can be "fine" if it ever happens to them.

I have been crocheting like a mad woman, I have all these squares in a stack. Maybe one day, I will join them all together and have a big blanket. But for now, I only have the attention span to do 10 x 10ish squares. The kids bought me a book of fancy stitches, I can't follow the directions but my mistakes look pretty cool. I have found that if you just keep doing the same thing over and over, it loos like you are doing it on purpose.

That is with yarn work, I guess it applies to life too. But with yarn work, your mistakes make a pretty pattern if you screw up the same way every time. I am pretty sure that real life shouldn't work like that. It shouldn't, but people try and make it work like that. Once they screw up, they just keep doing it until it becomes a pattern. It becomes their new identity since they refuse to pull out the yarn and do it over, correctly.

"No, really, this is who I am." That is what they say, but it is not who you were designed to be.

Sorry, I got off on a tangent thinking about some people in my life. Hopefully, therapy will help me to see that I should appreciate the interesting pattern that has been created by all our screw ups. That would make me all inner peacey and all that and the assholes would love that.

I told my new cancer shrink that I feel guilty that cancer has not given me those new eyes, a more enlightened view of the world. She said that was an unrealistic expectation, most people are just really pissed off about cancer.

No comments:

Post a Comment