Sunday, May 30, 2010


I have a very good friend at work. Yesterday, she said, "You are starting to look like yourself, not that other person." We laughed, it is funny. But this morning, I started thinking about all the lies we tell, regarding cancer.

We lie a lot, "I feel fine", "But you look good", "You are going to beat this".

I lie so I don't burden people with my reality, they lie thinking if I think positive, the cancer will be destroyed by my Mary Poppins fairy dust.

I am still hanging out in limbo land, scan on Wednesday and results revealed on Thursday. I am coming to terms with the fact that the results may not matter a whole bunch. I met a lady who finished treatment, had a clear scan, and two months later she is having two brain tumors removed. I met another lady who has been dealing with this shit for 19 years, remission and recurrence, remission and recurrence.

So, there is no point in me getting hung up on the scan results. They are simply a snapshot of where I am today, not an indication of anything long term. If they come up bad, I will use different weapons, if they come back good, I will pack up the arsenal for the time being.

I do wonder, if I still have the glowing lymph node, will they do more chemo before we graduate onto radiation. But I will find that out soon enough.

If I do have to do more chemo:
I will henna my bald head, I didn't do that last time.
I will use my toxic pee to kill the grass that grows in my driveway.
I will convince myself that doughnuts and crab rangoons taste nasty.
I will enjoy the chemo glow that my skin had, my skin did look great.

My 10yo daughter took eyelash inventory, I have 7, four on one side, three on the other. What a helpful update that was.

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