5-4-10

I live outside of Nashville, Tn and we have had unprecedented flooding this past weekend. My home is safe and dry, but there are so many in the area that have had devastating losses.

I was scared, and that is the first time I have felt new fear in a while. I think after I was diagnosed, I thought I would be done with fear since I already had cancer, what else could happen?

Maybe it is more anxiety than fear. I am pretty sure I can handle what comes down the pike, I just get nervous waiting for it. Not that I am saying, "Go ahead and hit me with all the shit now", let me throw that disclaimer out to the universe. I just don't like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My divorce was like that, the process took forever and I just hated the waiting to see how bad it was going to be. There is something surreal about watching the flood waters come up and waiting to see if it is going to enter your home or not. Tornadoes happen rather quickly, we are used to that. We have had days of watching the river, waiting to see how much destruction it will cause.

Maybe that will be my new normal, like living on a flood plain. With every bad storm, you wonder if this is the one that washes you out. So you do your thing, live your life until the rain falls, the scan is scheduled, a new pain is explored.

In my odd and detached way, I am curious how my brain will handle it once treatment is done.

Yep, therapy is on my to do list.