10-27-10

I have had a lung crud that lasted too long, so last week I saw the nurse practioner. I also was worried about the weird neck thing. It turns out that my cilia isn't perky anymore (hey, how perky should 42 year old cilia be!). The radiation has caused the hairs in my lungs to be a little crunchy and not able to move lung funk as well as they used to. So, I came home with an arsenol of lung medication and my breathing has improved. I don't know if my cilia regenerates or if it will always be crunchy, but it is just another thing on the list of crappy cancer related shit.

My neck thing is just muscular, probably from the new bite splint I am trying to help me stop grinding my teeth. But the NP was very cool and understanding of my cancer paranoia and said I could come by anytime I have a new lump or bump. That felt nice, to know that it is OK to be paranoid and that she understands.

Tomorrow I will see a plastic surgeon. I hope he has a better idea than ripping muscles off my back to make a boob out of. I could be lopsided forever, I can just stay like I am . But, if there are good options, I would like to know them.

I will confess, I have guilt thinking about reconstructive surgery. I feel guilt for putting my family through another surgery just for cosmetic reasons. I would have to miss some work, would need a ride to and from the hospital, the kids would have to carry groceries for a little bit. I realize that is not too much to ask of my family, but I am asking for help just so I can get a boob.

Maybe I am just trying to talk myself out of it so I won't be disappointed if it can't happen.