03-23-10

Today, I will get number 6 out of 12 of the second phase of chemo. The kids want to celebrate the halfway point. The kids would also like to celebrate the 1/4 point and the 3/4 point, because the kids like eating out.

Yesterday, my 10yo DD said "Mom, I hope this doesn't offend you", (this is always a bad sign, she is going to say something offensive), "but if you are still alive when my sister gets married, will you help pay for the dress?" This was interesting to me since I am pretty sure that 10yo DD was questioning the depths of my cheapskate-ness and not questioning my mortality.

I chuckled aloud which may have scared them if she was indeed, asking if I would be alive to see 12yo get married one day. But this was more of a question about my frugal ways and would I be bargain hunting for a wedding dress. There was an unspoken message, though. A quiet acceptance that we don't assume anything. I think most kids assume their parents will be alive for their wedding, we have lost that. We don't talk about it often, I don't think we have really talked about it at all. But there is an understanding that has happened. I have never sat them down and talked to them about my long term prognosis.

No one wants to have that conversation with me. I can't even talk to my Oncologist since my Mom stays in the room with me when the Oncologist is there. I have considered asking her to wait in the waiting room for me, but that would freak her out. I will see him next week, I do have some questions for him, but I don't want to ask in front of my Mom.

Having the "safe sex" talk with the Oncologist, in front of Mom, was pretty awkward. So I am pretty sure that asking the Oncologist if I need to stress about my lack of a retirement fund would be pretty uncomfortable.

The kids and I were shopping (at the thrift store, of course). Someone was giving me the weird eye trying to figure out what was up with my hair. 10yo picked up on this and asked loudly "When is your next chemo, Mom?" She admitted later that she asked that in front of weird eye lady to get her to stop staring.

I have to believe that this is teaching the kids valuable life skills.