3-6-10

I think I am starting to get very burned out on this Cancer business. I have done my third of twelve weekly new chemos. Weekly chemo sucks, no break. Even if the side effects are not as bad, there is just no "good" period. Plus, the oncologist office calls me every Friday wih an automated voice message reminding me of my appointment.

For some reason, this almost always brings tears to my eyes. Friday night is when I am getting ready to "play normal" and go to work for the weekend and pretend everything is OK. The kids are gone so I don't have to feel guilty if I nap or don't cook. I hate being called every Friday night to be reminded of this crap, I get it, I am not going to forget.

Went to the prothesis store this week looking for a mastectomy bra that looks less matronly, no dice. We were discussing the lack of attractive bras and the sales woman asked if I was married or not. I found this interesting and asked her "Who needs sexy bras more, married woman or single woman?" She answered "married woman" and then admitted that it made no sense. Having been married and sales woman being currently married, we acknowledged that husbands don't really care about bras.

And I am not even going to start on husbands and what they feel about what is under bras, I am still boobed out. It is ass cheeks all the way.

I did do something positive. I made an appointment to meet with the breast cancer chick at the local YMCA. She will advise me in an exercise program and lymphadema info and nutrition guidance. I am looking forward to this as my ass is getting big enough I will have enough to keep two ass men happy.

An interesting thing happened this week. I had two very different conversations with two friends. With #1, he was asking me if I still worry about dying and I shared the stats with him (which are not all rosy and unicorny). He said he could relate to my worrying about surviving to my children's adulthood. He recently had a physical and although everything came out perfectly, he could understand my fear.

Now, I love this friend, I know he is having a hard time wrapping his brain around my cancer. But I don't get how your great physical gives you insight into my cancer thinking.

But then, on the flip side, #2 friend had a sinus infection but stated that he couldn't complain to me about how he was feeling since I have cancer.

Hmmm, I don't like that either. Sinus infections suck, he feels worse that I do. Yeah, you can complain about how crappy you feel. I don't want to be a cancer bitch who has lost all compassion for everyone who is "healthy". That is not who I am. Personally, I think that living with the fear of the unknown is a hell of a lot scarier than post diagnoses. Before D-Day, I worried about what might happen. It scared me. Well, IT has happened and I am OK. I hate that my family has fear of being diagnosed. I hate that my friends worry about developing some life altering condition. Been there, done that, it sucks and I don't wish it on anyone.

My 10yo daughter was reading some Cancer magazine that got left in the car. She asked me if I was mad about getting cancer. I am not, there is no reason why I shouldn't have it. Someone has to get it, why not me? I never said "why me?". My daughter made me happy, she told me that I was not a wimp and I could handle it.

That being said, I am pissed that my kids have to deal with this. It isn't fair to them. But fair schmair, I have to believe that this experience will serve them in their future.

I don't know if any of this made much sense. Like I said, I am a little burned out.