2-10-11

I had my last IV Herceptin treatment yesterday. I don't think I did it right, I was supposed to be all happy and jolly that it was my last infusion. Instead, I felt like I imagine the inmate does after DNA clears him and he is released with a "Sorry, we screwed up, go live a life".

So I spent all this time and energy fighting to live and now I need to go out and....live.

I think my problem may be in what I assume they mean by live. I think I assume they mean that I am supposed to be like the women in tampon commercials, all dancing on the beach, running in the forest, rolling around on white sheets.

Tampon commercial moments....those are what I am missing from my life.

I have even considered the "fake it till you make it" theory of life. But, what if all these people out there are also faking it, trying to look like the tampon commercials.

So now I am crocheting doilies. I don't need doilies. They just keep me busy. While I wait.

I feel a break through coming on.

1-12-11

Recovering from the pneumonia has been much harder than I anticipated. My old crunchy lung cilia just ain't what it used to be. I was unable to work this weekend, so that is two weeks without pay....what a great way to start the year.

I did make a trip to the grocery store this weekend to stock up for the winter storms. It was exhausting just walking around with the extra weight of the coat I was wearing. Really, really surprising to me how easily fatigued I am. I am doing my little lung exercisey thingee...my capacity is almost normal.

The kids were being....kids yesterday and I could not walk and yell at them at the same time. So you have to be good or be still, you can't be bad on the move!

I crocheted a new afghan in 5 days, that is a new record. You can get a lot of crocheting done when you just have to sit still and breathe.

Frustrated and gloomy....but I will feel better.

1-5-11

After a few weeks of my breathing getting better, then worse, then better again, I ended up in the hospital for four days with pneumonia. I wasn't expecting that at all! I am home but still pretty ill, on house arrest and just sitting and breathing.

I think I am still a tad depressed, I was scared but a little OK with dying. There is just an odd OKness with my mortality that I didn't have before. Dying would suck, but I guess my ducks are in a row better now and I have had some time to digest it. I am not planning on dying, but the idea doesn't piss me off like it used to.

I am sure I need therapy for that.

12-28-10

I think I am having an odd freak out thing going. So I will write it here and not worry my family with it.

I don't feel well, my breathing is getting better but I am doing the breathing treatments often and I don't want that to be the way it is for the rest of my life. I don't know if crunchy lung cilia will refresh....

This morning, my left eyeball went weird, I can't diagnose that, I am eyeball illiterate. The left side of my left eye was very bright and flashing. Not those floaters, but weird bright light. Since a brain tumor is my big fear, that freaked me out.

I am exhausted, I feel off and I don't think there can be anything wrong since I am pretty recently scanned. Except the brain, which they don't look at.

But here is the sucky part.... I just had this feeling that I could be OK with being done. I did the shit year....trudged through the treatment, did the single mom cancer bit. It sucked, we made it. The kids have nice bedrooms, they had a good Christmas. I think I have managed to get all my crap into one room so if I kick off, they can just load up a truck and empty this one room of my oddities.

I met a great guy, had some nice lovin'. I have bonded with my Mom and my older sister. I am still estranged from my younger sister and see no hope of that changing. My ex-husband and I seem cool, although we don't talk often (but that works). The kids are getting closer to their Dad and that is wonderful.

I don't know if I am depressed, scared or what. I don't feel depressed, just tired, physically and mentally.

I guess I need a therapy tune up. I haven't seen the shrink in a while. That would be a productive thing to do.

12-22-10

Things are starting to feel "normal". They talk about the "new normal" you have after cancer, or any big life changing event, I suppose. After my divorce, it took awhile to get my bearings. This experience is very similar feeling.

We are not doing much in the way of Christmas. You can't even tell it is 3 days before the holiday if you look in my house. No tree, no cookies, no stockings...nada. Last year, I did it up big, I was in the "I have cancer and this might be my last Christmas" mode. This year, we are redecorating. My children have shared a bedroom all of their lives. Their Christmas present in their getting their own rooms! I am moving my bedroom down to the den and giving them the two bedrooms.

My house looks like a disaster area as we are moving furniture, painting, refinishing furniture. And I am experiencing personal growth as I let the kids help me paint and am not worried about drips on the base boards!

I am having a lot of trouble breathing. It could be my radiated lung issue aggravated by the dust and paint fumes we are all breathing. That is a little depressing, breathing is so nice. But, I am not freaking out about possible lung tumors and shit.

Growth.

12-8-10

I didn't realize how long it had been since I updated. The scan was pretty good, all glowing spots are attributed to radiation. Still not a "No Evidence of Disease" result, but I'll take it. Rad Onc freaked me out a little, he is such a Debbie Downer. He felt that the scan results were a more cancer-ish and less radioactivity-ish. BUT....he called me a few days later, said he reviewed the films and agreed with Big Onc that it was probably radiation that was lighting up.

That was shocking to me, the doc actually called me out of the blue to tell me things weren't as dismal as he had thought.

I had a Mammogram on my one boob yesterday, all clear. That was also refreshing. Except, the tech didn't know I only had one boob so there was that awkward moment as she pulled back the gown. You would think that would have been on the chart somewhere....but....shit like that doesn't hardly phase me anymore.

I also had a stitch come out of Clyde a few weeks ago, that was huge news. Clyde is now healing back up, there is no area of fried flesh that will become a huge necrotic wound. How in the hell surgeon missed that stitch, who knows. But....shit like that hardly phases me anymore.

So, the stay of execution has been extended. There is no reason to believe that there is anymore cancer in there. It isn't all rainbows and unicorns, this shit can turn on a dime. But...for now, it is good.

RIP Elizabeth Edwards.

I could bitch about the phrases "loses her battle", "succumbed to disease" etc. But I am not wasting energy on it. I guess the only phrase that would work is "She stopped living with cancer". She escaped. Godspeed.

11-11-10

My scan is scheduled for next Monday, the 15th. I will see Onc on the 18th for the results and for my IV treatment. I feel much better now, just getting that decision made. I have no idea what the big deal was, why did they even ask me if I wanted to scan? Why not just go ahead and do it like we had planned on in June? That would have saved me all this mental hamster wheel churning.

The fear is what is the worst. Treatments, surgery, side effects, all that sucks but is completely do-able. It is the fear that sucks the worst. And it is no as much fear for myself and what my future holds; it is more about what the kids are going to have to deal with. This has to be changing who they are.