02-15-10

I wish I had deep and thought provoking stuff to post. I wish that I was one of those people that had this huge shift in my disposition when I was diagnosed. But, I don't think I did and I have nothing deep nor thought provoking to share.

I had to have a impromptu echocardiogran today at the last minute. My usual echo guy is, well... a guy. This time, I went to a different place and a lady did the echo. It is interesting to me how different a man and a woman clinician deal with my chest area. They are dealing with my heart and I still have a boob on that side. Echo man is always very thoughtful, very discreet and has not seen my boob even though he does the little ultrasound all around it. Echo chick was less thoughtful, les discreet, boob flooping around out in the open.

Personally, it is not a big deal to me. During the test, the boob is a mass of fatty tissue sitting on top of important stuff. But, as a health care professional, I can imagine how frustrating it may be for some women to deal with the loss of privacy. So Kudos to you Echo Dude, you do a great job!

New chemo regimen starts tomorrow. So, possible reality change tomorrow. I try not to read too much about all the crappy side effects as I am pretending that this will be easier than the last round and I don't want to mess up my pretty delusion with nasty facts and stats.

I worked at the nursing home bald and sans hat all weekend. Everybody was pretty cool with it. I get hot flashes, a lot, my head feels like it is on fire. I am tired of being hot, so I went without a hat. I figure it is pretty obvious that I am bald even with a hat, it is not like I am fooling anyone. I'll still try and do my best to keep my head covered for my Mom, she digs denial, it's her thing.

2-12-10

Valentine's Day is the second anniversary of my dog's death. Her name was Lexy, she died of cancer. She had surgery, but it came back, cancer sucks. My kids and I are contemplating another dog adoption. This is a big deal, dogs are a large investment. If I do this, this is a sign of optimism, that I will be around to care for another being.

I am signed up on a Find-a-Pet site, have been for a long time. I have been putting it off, waiting for the end of treatment. But, maybe it is time, to start planning stuff again (other than my demise).

PET scan came back with tumor shrinkage, not tumor gone, but tumor smaller, this is good. I start a new cocktail of weekly chemo on Tuesday. Perhaps I will not prepay for my cremation, I will chance the price increase. Live on the wild side!

I ordered a little headstone thing for Lexy today, it just has a picture, her name and "Damn Good Dog", because that is what she was. We miss you, Lexy.

2-8-10

The importance of make-up! See, eyebrows are important (ignore the turkey waddle neck thing)







Edited to add: if you click on the pics, you get real close up, scary close up. You can see the weird eyebrows and the strange chicken fuzz growing on my head!

2-6-10

Preparing to lay down for the night (before 7:00 PM, how sad), go wash my face and it seems my face just washes down the sink. With very few eyelashes and eyebrows, it is funny how my face just disappears. I could do some impressive before and after shots, send them to the company I get my make-up from and probably score some free stuff!

When I was a kid, we had a barbie that we marked up with magic markers. We used fingernail polish to remove the marker and it took her eyeball off too! That is kinda what I see when I look in the mirror, plus the bald head. We used Liguid Paper and pen to draw her eye back on, it actually came out pretty well. Good practice...

Thinking about chemo... decided to believe something. If the chemo can kill cancer and hair and eat up mucous membranes, perhaps I can pick some other things to have it kill. How about self doubt, lingering guilt and shame, excuses, procrastination... If all these cells are dying off, I can believe that some of my character flaws can be killed off too.

2-6-10

I was laying down the other day (which I never used to do, thanks chemo). As I lay trying to nap, I realized I was laying like a person in a casket (which I never used to do, thanks mastectomy and the six pillows I now use).

Anyway, I was seeing myself in my casket and got freaked out. I have so few eyelashes, should I have them put on false eyelashes on my corpse! This train of thought screwed up my napping process so I got up and starting googling cremation info. I always intended to be cremated and figured this was as good a time as any to compile some info. So now, I have a nice price list of the local crematorium packages, I'll put it away for my family.

Hopefully, they won't need it for a long time.

Next I had to think about the "fixing up the dead body so people can say good-bye" thing. I have decided that is not necessary (I took a quick phone poll of people whose opinion I respect). I do think my Mom and my daughters should be able to view the body, just the people that I actually shared a body with at one time.

So, that is my plan, Mom and kids say good-bye, I get "disposed" of and everyone else have a nice pot-luck dinner.

The cheapest crematorium's prices go up at the end of February, if my scan comes back bad, I may go ahead a pre-pay. It will save me $260 of my children's meager inheritance. (If you knew how broke I was, you would smile at that).

This may all sound morbid, but I feel if I can take care of the business of dying, I can focus on the business of living.

2-3-10

I found this interesting...

Back story, my kids are homeschooled, 10yo DD needed to go to the local school today to take a state test.

So, 10 yo DD says, "Mom, I don't want to offend you, but would you mind wearing a wig today?". Hmmm, interesting. I gladly put on my wig for her, but of course, I am curious about her request. She tells me that kids are jerks and will stare at me and that will frustrate her and distract her from doing her best on her test.

I thought that was cool. She can articulate her feelings so clearly. I did ask her later if she would prefer I wear a wig all the time when we are out. She said no, grown-ups aren't as rude as kids, so she only wanted me to wear a wig to the school.

Alas, the test was postponed due to the recent snow, so we have to go tomorrow. But that gives me more time to style my wig!

2-2-10

Kids decorating my head.