2-22-11

I went to the eye doctor guy to get an new scrip for glasses as mine were about eight years old. He said my pressure in one eye was alarmingly high and suggested I see an opthalmologist to check for glaucoma. I immediately assume brain tumor as how unlucky could I be to have cancer and glaucoma.

I followed up with the opthalmologist and was diagnosed with ocular hypertension, the precursor to glaucoma. Thankfully, there has not been damage to my optic nerve and they have started me on glaucoma meds to prevent further problems. Unfortunately, it is not the fun smoke-able glaucoma meds they joke about on TV.

On the positive side, I am going to assume that the eyeball thing is what has caused my weird head feeling that I have had for the past 6 weeks or so. I put in my new glaucoma drops last night assuming that I would wake up without a headache. It kind of worked, I am not as fuzzy feeling. Maybe the meds, maybe the power of suggestion...

I am also wondering if I am allowing myself to feel like crap to ward of the big bad shit. When I was diagnosed, I had finally started giving a damn, losing weight, working out, thinking about some long term plans. Then, the big C hit. This winter, it seems that I tried to start feeling a little positive, getting back into the grove and ended up in the hospital.

Maybe, I am subconsciously staying blah since that seems to keep me under the radar and away from the shitty stuff. Stay miserable and you won't notice when the shit hits the fan...yeah, that is great logic.

I still haven't made an appointment with the therapist!

2-16-11

Yesterday was the first day in a couple of weeks that I did not have a headache. I had become pretty sure that I had a brain tumor, but since I had no headache yesterday, that means no tumor. (At least in my mind, and reality is fluid depending on the facts at hand. )

That news reporter...Serene Branson that had some sort of episode during the Grammy Awards???? That is my fear, that brain short circuit when I am supposed to be accountable. I am usually with a child or a patient, there is not many opportunities for a "convenient" brain thing. They have not said what happened to Ms Branson, all very anti-climactic.

I took the kids to a cancer support for kids thing last night. They were not thrilled. After hearing the other kids share their families cancer cliff notes, my children said that my cancer was not very dramatic. Hmmm, do they forget so soon, did I shield them well or was it just a very boring cancer tour of duty?

2-10-11

I had my last IV Herceptin treatment yesterday. I don't think I did it right, I was supposed to be all happy and jolly that it was my last infusion. Instead, I felt like I imagine the inmate does after DNA clears him and he is released with a "Sorry, we screwed up, go live a life".

So I spent all this time and energy fighting to live and now I need to go out and....live.

I think my problem may be in what I assume they mean by live. I think I assume they mean that I am supposed to be like the women in tampon commercials, all dancing on the beach, running in the forest, rolling around on white sheets.

Tampon commercial moments....those are what I am missing from my life.

I have even considered the "fake it till you make it" theory of life. But, what if all these people out there are also faking it, trying to look like the tampon commercials.

So now I am crocheting doilies. I don't need doilies. They just keep me busy. While I wait.

I feel a break through coming on.

1-12-11

Recovering from the pneumonia has been much harder than I anticipated. My old crunchy lung cilia just ain't what it used to be. I was unable to work this weekend, so that is two weeks without pay....what a great way to start the year.

I did make a trip to the grocery store this weekend to stock up for the winter storms. It was exhausting just walking around with the extra weight of the coat I was wearing. Really, really surprising to me how easily fatigued I am. I am doing my little lung exercisey thingee...my capacity is almost normal.

The kids were being....kids yesterday and I could not walk and yell at them at the same time. So you have to be good or be still, you can't be bad on the move!

I crocheted a new afghan in 5 days, that is a new record. You can get a lot of crocheting done when you just have to sit still and breathe.

Frustrated and gloomy....but I will feel better.

1-5-11

After a few weeks of my breathing getting better, then worse, then better again, I ended up in the hospital for four days with pneumonia. I wasn't expecting that at all! I am home but still pretty ill, on house arrest and just sitting and breathing.

I think I am still a tad depressed, I was scared but a little OK with dying. There is just an odd OKness with my mortality that I didn't have before. Dying would suck, but I guess my ducks are in a row better now and I have had some time to digest it. I am not planning on dying, but the idea doesn't piss me off like it used to.

I am sure I need therapy for that.

12-28-10

I think I am having an odd freak out thing going. So I will write it here and not worry my family with it.

I don't feel well, my breathing is getting better but I am doing the breathing treatments often and I don't want that to be the way it is for the rest of my life. I don't know if crunchy lung cilia will refresh....

This morning, my left eyeball went weird, I can't diagnose that, I am eyeball illiterate. The left side of my left eye was very bright and flashing. Not those floaters, but weird bright light. Since a brain tumor is my big fear, that freaked me out.

I am exhausted, I feel off and I don't think there can be anything wrong since I am pretty recently scanned. Except the brain, which they don't look at.

But here is the sucky part.... I just had this feeling that I could be OK with being done. I did the shit year....trudged through the treatment, did the single mom cancer bit. It sucked, we made it. The kids have nice bedrooms, they had a good Christmas. I think I have managed to get all my crap into one room so if I kick off, they can just load up a truck and empty this one room of my oddities.

I met a great guy, had some nice lovin'. I have bonded with my Mom and my older sister. I am still estranged from my younger sister and see no hope of that changing. My ex-husband and I seem cool, although we don't talk often (but that works). The kids are getting closer to their Dad and that is wonderful.

I don't know if I am depressed, scared or what. I don't feel depressed, just tired, physically and mentally.

I guess I need a therapy tune up. I haven't seen the shrink in a while. That would be a productive thing to do.

12-22-10

Things are starting to feel "normal". They talk about the "new normal" you have after cancer, or any big life changing event, I suppose. After my divorce, it took awhile to get my bearings. This experience is very similar feeling.

We are not doing much in the way of Christmas. You can't even tell it is 3 days before the holiday if you look in my house. No tree, no cookies, no stockings...nada. Last year, I did it up big, I was in the "I have cancer and this might be my last Christmas" mode. This year, we are redecorating. My children have shared a bedroom all of their lives. Their Christmas present in their getting their own rooms! I am moving my bedroom down to the den and giving them the two bedrooms.

My house looks like a disaster area as we are moving furniture, painting, refinishing furniture. And I am experiencing personal growth as I let the kids help me paint and am not worried about drips on the base boards!

I am having a lot of trouble breathing. It could be my radiated lung issue aggravated by the dust and paint fumes we are all breathing. That is a little depressing, breathing is so nice. But, I am not freaking out about possible lung tumors and shit.

Growth.