11-16-09

Today is the big day, first day of chemo. My days of denial are coming to an end. Up until now, I have considered myself a "surgical patient", as in, I had surgery, I am recouperating and I will be fine. After today, I won't be able to deny my cancer.

Yesterday, I thought alot about reality, truth and facts. That we create a reality based on the info we have at the time. I finally read my PET scan results and the facts are a tad different than I thought. So I have to adjust my reality to accomodate the facts. I used to think that reality was black and white, but now I realize it is fluid, changing with what we know to be true.

Someone asked me if I was sick yesterday, I lied and said no, I didn't want to change her reality. But my truth is that I am not sick. I have cancer, I have a sinus crud going on, the sinus issue makes me feel more sick than the cancer does. The cancer is only affecting me due to the surgery.

So let me document my progress so I can recall that I am getting better. My chest is tight every morning, I have to make a conscience effort to stretch it out. My arm does not have the active range that it should but does have about 90% of its passive range. My incision is still oozing a little, surgeon says it is just protein and not a problem. I keep gauze over my incision to catch the ooze and I tape gauze over my port to minimize the rubbing of the bra.

I am still wearing sports bras. There is not enough weight in the cushie foob to hold it down. So I can start the day even, but the real boob starts to drop and the fake boob migrates up and I get lopsided. So sports bras keep everything smushed and in place. Not attractive, but not deformed looking.

I was looking for info on homemade breast forms. I came across a message board of cross dressers with many helpful hints on how to get a nice shape and tips on "jiggle-bility". Very informative and amusing. The foob fitters want me to wait until all the swelling is down before they fit me for mastectomy bras and prothesis. Bird seed was recommended by the cross dressing community for shape, weight and jiggle, but hold the sunflower seeds, they poke.