Sunday, February 28, 2010


The kids have told me the new chemo has made me more mean. They said that last chemo made me sweet and sleepy, the new chemo has me awake, in pain and grumpy. They just want me to take a nap. Last week, I had terrible pain in both legs and I thought, "At least it is not in my shoulder". So of course, this week, it is all down my left side, neck shoulder and leg. So I will now say for the record, "At least it is not in my left pinky finger, or maybe left ear lobe" (trying to think of places that pain will hurt less, since I seemed to have jinxed myself).

I tried taking a pain pill one day, that didn't work. I can't homeschool the kids on drugs. My daughter had taken an allergy pill and I had taken half a Percocet. I was trying to teach her about ratios and I think we were speaking different languages. But, once the drugs wore off, we tried again and she got it.

Food is more of an issue, nothing has a flavor. Youngest daughter suggested if I can't taste anything, I should just eat spinach all day. Great idea but over salting processed food and eating large bowls of ice cream is so much more fun!

I had a weird dream last night, and I remember my mastectomy scar being in my dream. Someone asked on the breast cancer support board a question about do you dream with boobs? I guess I don't now. I wonder if it just takes awhile for your brain to "get it". Of course, I don't remember dreaming with boobs (having boobs in my dreams post cancer). The dream was about my siblings and I all going to a Motley Crue concert and my scar kept showing. My siblings, Motley Crue and my scar, I am sure there is a lot to analyze there!

On a positive note, my children's father and I actually had a conversation, like a genuine co-parenting moment! We have been very estranged since the divorce, not a functional relationship at all. He wanted help or advice in repairing his relationship with our daughters. That is huge. I did reveal to him that I am concerned about surviving long enough for them to reach 18, I would do anything to assist in the father-daughter relationship so I would know they would be OK if something happened to me. He didn't have anything to say to that, I am sure it was a big bomb shell to him since we have not actually discussed my cancer.

I told the kids that Dad wanted to hear them and could they please try talking a little to him. They spent Friday with him and they were very happy when they came home. I know it is not going to get fixed over night, but they shared a little and he was available and approachable, that is such a big thing. It is kinda like a Bucket List item, granted, it is one that I have very little control over. But I can't imagine how it would feel thinking I am dying and knowing that my kids don't want to live full time with their father. That is one of the most heart breaking things they have told me.

So I am feeling grateful today.

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